Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Hillary: Tough As Nails

Who do want as President, a tough proven hard ass who will stare down Vlad the Imputin or a bloated thin-skinned sissy-manboy who sucks up to and admires bullies like Putin. Hillary, or Hellary if you choose, is a short low center-of-gravity no-nonsense woman who won't be knocked over. 

Ok, she can be a stingy with the truth... when it's personal....but damn she'll drown you without compassion in a bathtub of hard truths, hard facts and hard-headed realistic policy proposals. 

With a built-in bullshit detector honed to a laser point by a lifetime of living with Bill, Hillary will chew you up, spit you out and grind your sorry deplorable prevaricating ass into a cosmic wedgie. Whatever that is. And yes, she has strategically decided to stay "married" to The Bill. You can bet that one of her first actions as President on the proverbial DAY ONE will involve a special Presidential Proclamation with a huge scrollygirly-font banner-head that reads: D.I.V.O.R.C.E.  She knows she owes that special "Day One" action to all her sisters who voted for her. And to her granddaughter and Chelsea. 

Deceitful Donald cares not a tinker's dam for The Truth.  He creates his own truths, or as Hillary said in the first debate he "lives in his own reality." Which although a clever line, was wasted on his supporters who thought it was a compliment. (Of course most of his supporters do not watch things like debates, preferring a good re-run of Duck Dynasty or Neck'ed an Abraded."

Hillary has been criticized all her public life (as are many women) for her looks, dress, hairstyle. The headband. The bangs. The pantsuits. The frown. The smile. The laugh. Her legs. Does she react like an insecure self-obsessed teenager? No. she moves on, self assured and confident that decent people will accept her and judge her on what she does and has accomplished for the public good. 

Compare & contrast that to Donald, master of the Art of The Fear, a seventy-year old man obsessed with his fluffy bleached combed-forward-back & over hair extensions, overweight and pendulous yet fat-shaming women who don't meet his standards of beauty ... "no fat pigs, dogs, slobs or disgusting animals." And of course not pregnant. (Trigger Warning: Imagine climbing in bed with a naked Trump.) Trump has the Temperament and self-assurance of an eighth grade mean girl.

Enough of Trump. We're here with Hillary. Don't trust her? I bet Putin, Kim Jong-un and that crazy Filipino President Rodrigo Duterte don't trust her either. After the mild, gentlemanly erudite Obama, America seems to be pining for a "strongman" President who can scare the crap out of dictators, despots and terrorists with a no-nonsense dose of hardcore reality...this is the way it is fellows. Now boys, let's sit down and work it out. Or else. Hillary: strongwoman. Mild-mannered she is not. How could she be after fighting, scratching, clawing and outmaneuvering her way to the top, busting thru glass ceilings like a Die Hard Bruce Willis crashing thru a skyscraper window. Her father didn't stake her millions of bucks to start a business. She used her brains, not daddy's money, to begin her long slog to the top. 
All candidates hyperbolically declare that they are "fighters" and that they will fight for you. Hillary is fond of saying that too, with this difference: she's been in one cage fight after another, winning some, losing some. But she never declines a challenge to climb back in the next cage to administer a beatdown on her opponent. The woman can fight and will fight good fights as President. 

Oh, and unlike Donald, Hillary doesn't mind being called "Hillary." She doesn't demand Senator or Madam Secretary. Donald requires everyone, even his son-in-law, to nonsobriquet him as Mr. Trump. Hillary won't be called Hillary next January 20. From then on we'll just call her Madam President. 

More like this and not like this at: praajek.com

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Cures For What Ails Mr. Trump

Although I'm not a physician, I sometimes attempt to play one on the internet. Like many hypochondriacs, I often diagnose whatever daily symptoms I unearth in my decrepit bodily state by consulting the myriad health web sites such as Web MD, Mayo Clinic, Shamanize DotCom and Farmers Almanac. As I wrote in a recent blog post, I think we should be worried for Donald Trump's health. His florid face, slow pendulous gait, saggybaggy frame and fast food habits should concern us all. So after consulting many medical web sites, Big Pharma daytime TV commercials, The Merck Veterinary Manual,  Gray’s Anatomy of the Human Body and Daytime TV re-runs, and A Field Guide to Hunters' Self-inflicted Shotgun Wounds, I have compiled a prescriptive list of medications and remedies that I recommend Mr. Trump ask his doctor if they are right for him. 

Number One on my list is ibuprofen. This anti-inflammatory med will relieve Mr. Trump of the one of his most debilitating ailments: the heartbreak of embarrassing Inflammatory Statement Idiot Syndrome (ISIS)  With a strong dose of this common med Trump will still think that Mexicans are rapists and women are disgusting fat pigs but not articulate these thoughts verbally. Take 3 x a day with a cup of chamomile tea. 

It's apparent that Trump is suffering from IBS, irritable bowel syndrome.  His extreme gesturing with his short fingers, always pointing awkwardly up, as if seeking to plug a looseness within, is a sure sign that his bowels are irritated. Prescription: lots of options, but the Doctor thinks he should...uh...just suck it up. 

Since we're in this area anyway, Trump's little puckered mouth, lips pursed in a knot, is a clear indication of some serious hemorrhoidal issues. Obvious relief: Preparation AH. Apply whenever mouth puckers. 

Donald is famous for his sensitivity to criticism. At his ripe age of 70 he is becoming even more thin-skinned than ever. The Doctor prescribes gentle exfoliation of his outer epidermal germinal terminal with a soft application of baby oil on the Trumpus rumpus. 

As the campaign rolls on and Hillary gains in the polls, Mr Grumpy Trumpy exhibits strong symptoms of the Dreaded Low Jive T. aka DJT. He seems to be unable to focus on the locus, is short-tempered, resents (or is jealous of) women, and people, this is just what I'm hearing, I'm hearing it from everyone, folks....he has been having spontaneous eruptions of little girl tears. Obvious diagnosis: LOW T. Shoot him up with some Second Amendment Testostoronium says the Doctor! 

Mr. Trump's orange hair and skin color is an obvious sign of carotenemia, usually caused by eating too many carrots and colorful vegetables. But Trumps fondness for McDonald's and KFC fast foods rule out this diagnosis. So I recently consulted a Catholic Guilt Counselor, Father Peter Rast, who posits that Mr. Trump's attraction to all-white friends and audiences has submerged deep within his meager consciousness a multicultural guilt complex that manifests itself through discoloration of his skin from pale white to a smarmy orange. Father Rast recommends exorcism and the administration of Extreme UnctIon or Last Rites, plus a liberal application of Clearasil to clear up that mean girl junior high complexion. 

And lastly, the elephant, or muskrat, in the room: Trump's flamboyant bouffant combed-over-and-back-left-and-right hair. Although not technically a disease or syndrome, his peacock exhibition of his hair invites analysis. Once again, some people are saying, in fact a lot of people are saying...folks...this is just what I'm hearing...believe me...that Donald J. Trump is as bald as a buzzard's beak buried in the bowels of a bloated four day old opossum roadkill. Renowned hair specialist Doctor Estensión Weavier has seen this extreme hair style only once in her illustrious career. As she recalls, "I was on a trip in the Amazon in search of an ancient mysterious hair growing plant used by the Trumpanamba tribe called "hertadagonatumora," from the extinct species rogainafolliculus. After consulting many indigenous people I came to learn that this magical plant had been devoured to the point of extinction by local Red Rumped Macaque Primates whose clan grew long orange hair swooped in a style that covered their red naked rumps...a style now favored by the Republican nominee for the US President." As to his apparent need for this bizarre manifestation...there is no cure, she added. 
 Read more like this and not like this at my blog: praajek.com

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


How Do You Like Me Now?
Will the Wizzened Dark Evil One Endorse the Bloated-Faced Evil Orange One?
Ok Dick Cheney, nation building-invading Dr. Strangelove, you still sticking with Trump? The Mad Playboy says no more invading! At least he still loves water boarding, so dear to your stolen desiccated artificial heart.

Mr. Dick-tater Head
Mad Tyrant Trump's campaign manager Paul Manafort lobbied for world-champion dictator-despots like Ferdinand Marcos, Angolan guerrilla mass-murderer Jonas Savimbi, Mobutu Sese Seko, dictator of Zaire (now the Democratic Republic of Congo), dictator torturer-extraordinaire Sani Abacha of Nigeria and Ukraine's former mobster president Viktor Yanukovych ? Who could be his next client?  North Korea's baby faced despot dictator Kim Jong Un?

Ask Your Doctor if Trump Is Right For You. 
Let's ask an important question. Does Donald Trump really look healthy? By all outward appearances Mr. Trump's florid face, slow pendulous gait, saggybaggy frame certainly leads one to assume he might not be in the most robust health. Although I'm not a doctor (I just play one on the internet) the aforementioned, plus his well-documented preference for high fat/sodium/sugar fast foods indicates a person with a high risk for cardiovascular disease and or diabetes. All candidates seeking the highest office in the world should not only release their medical records but should undergo a complete physical exam performed by an independent team of physicians with the results made public. This is the era of sharing, after all.

Extreme Wetting
Donald Trump's announcement that he will employ "extreme vetting" for new wannabe immigrants begs for more clarification. Will new immigrant applicants be subjected to waterboarding to force their confessions of love for Sharia Law? Or just simple lie detector tests? Are you now, or have you ever been a member of an Islamic Terrorist organization? Maybe special extreme Rorschach tests: does this picture remind you of a burka or a suicide vest? Or maybe by "extreme" Trump means "extremities." Think cattle prods and fingernails. Dark Cheney, you might be coming out of retirement.

Olympic Dudes.. I Feel Your Pain. 
I've had it! Enough is enough. Enuf already, Ok? Stop! Quit it now! I can't take it any more. I'm fed up and just about had it up to here. Not there: HERE! I'm so tired of having my body objectified. I feel for those poor Olympic guys in Rio, the swimmers, the gymnasts, weight lifters. I feel their pain. Being ogled and whistled at one can almost feel the fantasization as described in recent Cosmopolitan Magazine headline: Olympic Gold Bulges. Cosmopolitan Magazine headline: Olympic Gold Bulges.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Michelle Actually Stole Melania's Speech

Did Melania crib Michelle's speech? Easy explanation. First: the answer is NO! Michelle actually plagiarized Melania's speech. Wait, you say. Michelle gave her speech eight years before Melania wrote and spoke hers. What are you talking about? Well, if you live in the Fox News right-wing bubble, this is entirely possible and indeed a well-established fact. Reality bends into itself twisting truth inside out. Just like Obama's mother deliberately married a Kenyan and gave birth to baby Barrack in Kenya, she knew all too well that someday her son would run for President and so destroyed his birth certificate and surreptitiously moved to Hawaii to establish his US citizenship.  Michelle Obama, in 2008, knew all too well that In 2016 Donald Trump's third wife Melania would write an beautiful original speech to present at the Republican Convention to nominate her husband Donald Trump. We know how these sneaky liberals work...a dirty play plagiarized from the Clinton dirty tricks playbook. Obama/Clinton operatives reached illegally eight years into the future thru a Black Lives Matter Hole, and using a secret email server, tore a seam in the universe, grabbed a copy of Melania's speech, which she had worked so hard on, and plagiarized it word for beautiful word. End of controversy. 
Read more like this and not like this @ Praajek.com. 

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Burnt Feet, Pit Bulls and Tickling.

And on a lighter note....
More cops killing black people, black people killing cops, Hillary's careless emailing, Trump's daily racist, misogynist, xenophobic, bigoted Tweets, Brexit fallout, the mass-shooting-of-the-month...alligator snatches toddler at Disney World...the worst of times...and the worst of times. What a summer so far. And the Trump Republican coronation convention still awaits. After the Dallas cop  sniper-murders The NY POST ran a William Randolph Hearst yellow-journalism banner head declaring "CIVIL WAR."  (In 1897 Hearst dispatched illustrator Fredric Remington to cover for his newspaper the Cuban uprising against Spanish rule and supposedly told him "you furnish the pictures and I'll furnish the war.") 

Maybe America needs a breather. Instead of a war. 

Just a few weeks ago we were engaged in news accounts of the gorilla who was shot after tossing around a small boy who had fallen into its zoo pen. Boy 1. Gorilla 0. 

Later we were charmed by the heart-warming story of the cultish followers of self-help guru Tony Robbins who burnt their feet walking on his command across burning coals. Good times. 

And of course we all giggled uncontrollably at news articles about the latest athletic endeavor of Competitive Endurance Tickling. A new documentary, "Tickled" exposes this brutal underground, "fight club"-like dangerous sport. Belly laughs all around. 

Also in the news, a story, based on a new book, "Pit Bull... the Battle over an American Icon," pits this viscous breed against its reputation as a face-ripping 4-legged monster dog. Not so fast, argues this book's author. Pit Bully is really a cuddly, lovable lil' ball of puppy fur. Hmmmm.  Good dog. Down boy.....down.....

But now it's "BLACK/BLUE/All LIVES MATTER" 24-7. Predictions of race riots, vigilantes, mobs, civil war. I'd  walk across hot coals laughing until I cried  uncontrollably, a gorilla and a pit bull on leash, if all we had to worry and argue about were dogs, burnt feet and tickling. 


Sunday, July 3, 2016

Damn turd pol or the Damp old runt.

Remember Pat Paulsen? The comedian who ran for President from 1968 thru 1996. How about Pee Wee Herman, aka actor Paul Reubens whose Pee Wee's Playhouse was shut down after he was arrested for an alleged minor public transgression purportedly involving his genitals and a dark movie house. He's currently on the comeback trail. Of course we remember washed up actors Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger who both went on to become governors, one of them all the way to the Presidency thanks to the OPEC oil embargo, the Iranian hostage crises and a killer rabbit. Throw in Cliven Bundy, the crazy anti-government welfare rancher or Kanye West the narcissistic hiphop rappa-ego-maniacal self-proclaimed genius and world-savior. What's the point of mentioning these doofus goofs? Donald Trump. I wouldn't be more shocked, surprised and perplexed if any of these...Pat (gods rest his squirrelly soul) Pee Wee, Cliven, Arnold or Kanye were on track to actually, truly, really, holy-shit-gawds-save-us, become the Republican nominee for President than I am that a racist, misogonist, (fill-in the operative pejorative) New York City billionaire real estate con man might actually become President of the U. S. of A. (When Reagan was elected President I had to drag myself to a window the morning (in America) after the election to see if the sun would actually appear...to my dismay and shock, it did). 

Current analysis has it that Trump's emergence is the simple result of the buzzards coming home to feast on the carrion of the 1960s-born Republican "Southern Strategy" roadkill. That SS emerged from the traditional Democrat south and American white suburban resentment of the Civil Rights and voting rights acts, demise of Jim Crow politics all encouraged by "dog whistle " coded language used so effectively by Reagan, et al...states rights, welfare queens, busing and later the cultural issue weapons of GGGG -- God, Guns, Grizzlies & Gays.  The once Democrat racist south transgendered and traded places with the anti-segregationist republican "party of Lincoln." 

Although accurate, this analysis is incomplete. With the election of Obama in 2008 we were supposedly on the brink of a post-racial era, one in which America finally came to grips with its racist past and began to accept and embrace its destiny as a multi-cultural multiracial nation with equal rights and opportunities for all. We certainly pulled back from that brink, didn't we. Way back. But now Trump's emergence as the de-facto leader of the Republican Party begs further analysis, as Trump himself might say, "until we can figure out what's going on here." So what is going on here? His identification and exploitation of the Angry Man keys his success. Who are these Angry folks? Sure, some are the defeated diehard leftovers of the Sixties cultural wars. But on reflection Trump, and Bernie Sanders to a similar degree, seem to have tapped into a fracked-up vein of noxious volatile gas festering just below the surface bubbling up to an unaccommodating landscape of gigs instead of real jobs, unindustrialized service economies, jobs outsourced to foreign labor markets, outdated skill sets, down-sized efficiency-ized  work forces
Uberized, Amazoned and App'ed. 

Of course Trump doesn't really understand these forces, he just blunders and thunders into the space created by them. Like the old P-Funk lyric "huffin' and puffin' you ain't doin' nuthin'," Trump is good at thrusting and hustling but short-fingered on delivering any satisfactory solutions. Instead of answers Trump responds with brags. "Believe me, America will be the greatest because I'm the biggest, the best, the richest, my wife the most beautiful, my steaks the tastiest, my books the best best sellers, my clothes the most stylish, my shoes the shiniest, my hair the orangiest, my teeth the whitiest, my tan the tanniest, my hotels the swankiest, my kids the smartiest, my awesomeness the most awesomiest, my torturing will be the most beautifully painful, my wall the highest, my name-calling the most horribliest, my insults the most egregious...(looking at you, Pope Francis & Mother Theresa...) my Blacks, Hispanics and Muslims love me more than their children...." The more egregious the lies and brags the more people believe, or at least ignore them. 

How could this happen in America? I just don't get it. Really, just what is going on here, anyway? 

I tried to generate a world class, best ever  anagram for the best name in the world, Donald Trump. My favorites: Damn turd pol. Damp old runt.  


Sunday, June 5, 2016

My First Hero...

He was my first hero. As a high school kid, I listened on radio, like in the old days, (hell, it was the old days!) to his first fight for the championship in 1964. Why I was in his corner then I don't know. Something about his story I'd heard and read about, his name Cassius Marcellus Clay, his fearless facing of the older and stronger Sonny, "The Bear" Liston.  I was already a boxing fan, somehow intrigued and fascinated by the Floyd Patterson and  Ingemar Johansson fights several years earlier. Boxing wasn't a team sport. I grew up without a team sport affiliation, either high school or professional. I didn't play sports; the only guy in my tiny high school who didn't play on the only two sports offered: basketball and football. I was anti-sports and my refusal (some might say inability) to play gave me that much-needed, although negative, identity sought in high school. But in boxing I saw the little guy, the outsider, the bullied facing the bully. Muhammad Ali filled that role for me. Disdained by the experts and pilloried by the media, Ali drew strength from his opponents, weakening them. His refusal to serve in an unjust war -- the bully military vs the bullied cannon-fodder conscripts --his embrace of a culture that opposed the rules of white America, his non-conformity...unwilling to play the sportsmanship game angered the social, political and sports establishment. Ali, a General in the cultural wars of the Sixties, like Martin Luther King, made America face its sins of racism and its weakness of inequality. Ali practiced and lived a life embedded in Islam, the kinder and wiser version of Islam that contradicts the hate-filled jihadi-swamp that the world now fears. At the height of his boxing career, banned from the sport, he took to the college lecture circuit professing civil disobedience, conscientious objection, condemning the Vietnam War, racism, and social injustice. He spoke at Ohio University while I was a student and I met him after his speech. His handshake swallowed my hand and his eyes reflected starlight. He was literally bigger than life. He created a large part of what the Sixties became. And in retiring from the ring Ali continued to live his life of courage, grace, wit and humor that highlighted his youth and defined his greatness. When he quit boxing he ended the sport. I never watched another match. Boxing was counted out and never rose off  the canvas, they one that Ali used to paint his masterpieces. He once wrote the world's shortest poem.  "Me? Whee!!" Ali...my first & last hero. (Not for worry Dad...you're in a singularly reserved category). 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

America...I'm this Bud for You

 Update: Anheuser-Busch recently confirmed it will change the name of its Budweiser 12-oz. cans and bottles with the name "America" from May 23 through election season in November. 

This Bud/America's for you. So starting today I'm changing my name to "AMERICA" too. You can call me America, or Lawrence America. I'll respond to either name, as long as I hear the American part. My new label will run from now thru the day after the presidential election. If Trump wins, I'm then changing my label to Lawrence Canada, or just plain Canada. 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Feeding the Angry Man

Feeding the Angry Man

Political correctness has been the whipping-boy issue of the far-right wing for many years. No one touts aversion to PC behavior more than Donald Trump, in large part basing his presidential run on mocking all things politically correct. Expressing politically incorrect statements and views has become the defining standard of what I call the new Angry Man movement. (I use the term "man" because Trumping appeals more to men than women, although there are of course, though fewer, Angry Women too!)

This backlash against political correctness, although not new and has been percolating for years, has now erupted volcanically, given heat from the steaming bowels of Trump who belches more vitriol than an OxyContin-infused radio talk show host (talkin' bout you, Flush Phlegmball!)

But it's not all Donald's fault. Recently political correctness has been it own worst enemy. He's only taking advantage of some high profile examples of PC goofiness and unleashing festering grievances left over from the self-perceived left-behind.

Trump is the wind (bag) beneath the wings of the angry. Seething silent anger just below the surface of civility, these Angry Men have had to keep their feelings in check for decades, every day a lost day that brought them closer to inexorable defeat in the lingering culture war of the Sixties. Yes, the Sixties Culture War rages on in the shallow cranial recesses of the religious right, Nixon's old law & order hard hats, the "silent majority" and their "poorly-educated" progeny still offended by anti-Vietnam protests, "free love," a casual embrace of drugs, and civil rights victories. ("I love the poorly educated," Trump declared after his Nevada primary victory last February.)

Now comes Trump, loud and brash, like a constipated cow suddenly effluent from gorging in a field of rotting beans. Trump's emissions, sulfurically foul, are whiffs of lilac and roses to the noses of his Angries. Finally, someone who is not afraid to say out loud what they've been longing to say forever. Not just someone, but a someone who could hold the highest office in the land. A someone who could make the White House the white house again. (Well, maybe the gold-plated White House?) And his calling card? Attack political correctness. A task which liberals today sometimes aid and abet. From trigger warnings and safe space demands of sensitive babyfied college students to accusations of "cultural appropriation" by minorities, political correctness is fast becoming a favorite pick up line for the right wing. College students who demand a trigger warning that a reading assignment or lecture might contain something offensive to their sheltered little minds forget the reason they are in college in the first place...to expand their minds, be exposed to different ideas: to become educated. Is it really cultural appropriation when a white student is shamed by Black students for wearing dreadlocks? What about a Black student who bleaches her hair blond? (Note: I'm willing to be schooled on this issue from another point of view) Of course political correctness is not really "running amok" as so many pundits and columnists seem be declaring and warning. But egregious examples, amplified by media, social and traditional, feed into the meme/trope that we've gone too far, that we are too sensitive, need to lighten-up, quit worrying about offending everyone (except we whites in power) and just enjoy life. Yeah, make America great again, like before civil and voting rights, environmental regulations, Medicare, Social Security, child labor laws, food safety laws. Those were the days my friends...we thought they'd never end...

More like this and not like this at: praajek.com

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

I Want Self-Zippering Pants!

 I've waited all my miserable life for this. When I was a kid, my Dad said I'd have a flying car in my garage on Mars.  Never happened, Dad. (Thanks a lot, Obama!) 3-D TV? Sort of, but not really happening. Robot hoovers sucking up dust by dancing the roomba around the house? Boring. Self-cleaning ovens? Old school. Self-photo-taking? Yup, The Selfie fulfilled that dream. Self-driving cars? Oh, yeah! Almost there and just in time for aging Boomers who dread being on the pitiful end of "The Talk" when their kids explain that, no, Mom, you didn't misplace your car keys..we've taken them and are prying your almost dead cold hands from around the steering wheel. Autonomous cars will allow Boomers to rule the road until the day they never die.

But when Nike recently announced its new Self-tying shoe I knew the future had finally arrived. It's called “adaptive lacing.”  Press buttons on the side of the shoe and the laces automatically tighten or loosen to match your comfort level or mood: uptight, nervous, or afraid? Just press the tighten button. Feeling groovy, marinatingly mellow or banging? Just press the loose button. No muss no fuss. Only down side is you gotta bend down to press the mofcukin' buttons! Com'on Nike, where's the remote? Or app that'll let me tight&loose by tapping on my Fitbit or Apple Watch. See, the Damn Future is always just around the Damn Corner.

So here I am, in the present here and now, mindful of the moment, which is very popular these days. But still waiting for, as Apple used to say, "The Next Big Thing" ...until Trump settled that argument. So I guess until I get my Self-Zippering pants, I'm just a lonely guy on the Avenue of Ass-kicking Dreams with his fly stuck open...or shut. (Hmmmm...autonomous socks that roll up automatically?)

L.Rudmann (praajek.com)

Monday, February 8, 2016

Super Bowl: Over & Out

I'm so over Super Bowl commercials. And for that matter the Super Bowl itself, that national corporate sports orgy for the One Percent paid for by the tax-paying gullible proletariat who "like to watch" the gladiators while the rulers "play" from their skyboxes. Yes, a distraction from work, from ills, from the daily drone of life, The Super Bowl offers a temporary reprieve and escape. 

After only 50 years The Super Bowl has established itself as a bedrock symbol of our culture. We accept its ubiquitous residency in our lives, finely woven like a 1,000 thread-count flag blowing across the face our national psyche. From the opening mock patriotic military salutes, mawkish contestant renditions of a song celebrating bombs and war ... Vegas odds on how long will Lady GaGa stretch out the last notes to break the record for longest public singing of this national anthem...military jets swooping like mad screaming birds of prey over the stadium; extravagant intermission displays of pop(ular) music...spectacles on par with anything produced by Chinese or North Korean governments. A synchronized national corporate effort to appeal to the masses, slake our thirst for violence with highly paid yet expendable surrogates, to inspire us to aspire, to consume, to eat more Cheetos. The athletic efforts on the field merely a pretense for the 30 sec commercial propaganda spots imploring us to spend our wages to enrich those wise men in their high skybox castles. 

And let's dismiss with the conceit that at least these commercial productions represent high art, or are at a minimum creative, original, humorous or inspiring. Once upon a time Apple produced a commercial ("1984") to introduce the MacIntosh computer. This was the first and last truly creative effort shown during a Super Bowl game. This commercial set the standard, propagated and set in motion the deluded cult of the Super Bowl Commercials. What we are subjected to now are watered-down attempts at humor often exploiting children and animals. This year one advertiser actually hit the sweet spot of commercial crassness with a creature comprised of a baby, a monkey and a dog. A puppy. Awwww..horses, awwww...guys acting the fool while wifey rolls her eyes and shows him how it's really done. People dancing. If the proverbial aliens picked up signals of these commercials they would think that all humans do is dance. Well, we also get constipation, diarrhea and toenail fungus on the bungus.. but that's another matter. 

Ah, Super Bowl, I am so over you. At least until next year when the half time show features our national Poet Laureate in a "Salute to American Poetry." And of course the Chicago Bears beat the Oakland Raiders.  

(read more like this and not like this at my blog: praajek.com)

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Cruz Conundrum

That women get judged on their looks and appearance more than men is a given. It's not right to judge a person by one's visceral reaction to appearance, demeanor and other subjectives such as voice, height, hair style, eyes and the  overall qualities that comprise what we generally consider as "looks." I know it's not right. Yet why do I have such a strong visceral (from "viscera"....intestines, bowels, gut; from instinct rather than intellect) negative reaction to Ted Cruz, the smarmy (totally subjective, sorry) candidate for the republican presidential nomination? His high-pitched voice perfects onomatopoeically the whine of a dentist drill with all its associated shudder and vagus-nerve inducing nausea and clammy coldness. His hunched shoulders and thrusting head produces a badgering mien threatening to cower his audience into submission. Behind a podium, he leans his skewed mis-aligned angley face downward doggedly in sarcastic towering arrogance belying his 5ft-7inch stature and with deft yet programmed hands gestures robotically in sync with sad disapproving basset hound-of-hell eyes casting damnation on all who fail to heed his admonitions. This is Ted Cruz. The slick pompadour hair harkens to a past era, a carnival barker, a Fuller Brush salesman? Under stage lights his skin reflects a pallid smeary corpse-like patina, waxen. 
The curled upper lip snarls and scolds disdainfully giving purchase to a poisonous pedantic piety from a Puritan pursed mouth proclaiming peevish punishment for all who disagree. 
And yet I question my intense reactions to Mr. Cruz's physicalities. It's not that he has, according to current standards of what constitutes beauty/attractiveness, an "ugly" countenance. But there is some intangible aggregate of his overall appearance and how he wears and utilizes these physical attributes that sends up warning signs. Empty this sack full of pain and fill it with the heart and soul of Bernie Sanders. How would I react?  Bernie has a rough and worn appearance that may cause cringing, weeping and gnashing of teeth in those who disagree with him. But it seems that beyond Cruz's stated policies, his proclaimed beliefs, his political philosophy there lies something uncomfortable, dark and on the threshold of....evil? I know it's not right to judge him on how he looks. But could this visage be a mirror of his soul or spirit, his very essence and intended purpose on earth? I don't know. But what I do know is this person scares me. To the point where I have to admit that given a choice between Mr. Cruz and Donald Trump (please gods, spare us from such a choice) I would have to choose Trump. Cruz, I admit, is smart, very smart and probably the best diabolical debater among all candidates. He has a plan, and is executing it demonically. Be afraid. Very afraid, something tells me. 

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2015 - A Year of Living Fearfully©

2015 - A Year of Living Fearfully©

We got it quick, 
We got it now
Here a click 
There a click
We got it how?
Here a pick there a pick
In the Amazon pits
Bot Boys & Gig Girls
Ubering this and 
Ubering that
Working harder than 
The Pizza Rat.

So buy me a beer
And quench my fear
an IPA with a wise-ass label
"Bangin’Your Sister" or "Murdering Mabel."
If you're socially able
Pour me that hoppy Alcohol tincture
An artesinal brew called "Clinching Sphincters."

My fear is palpable
That my order calculable 
Isn't Pay-Pal-able
Delivered prime by the ISISman cometh
Venomous sous la table
With Hillary in a Muslim Hijibber
Jihaddin' the penis off Justine Bieber.

My fears were real
As John Boehner tears
As true as Caitlyn's 
Not a male
And Canadian poutine 
Is the new kale.

Even my fears 
Were afraid and scared
Laid bare by Obamacare
To heal us with medical P.O.T.U.S.
Put on notice 
By The F.L.O.T.U.S.
That our health insurance wouldn’t be valid
Unless we ate all our Kardashian placenta salad.

Throughout the year anxiety riding
On a jittery third rail guiding
Us on a dangerous journey
Suicide crusading avengers
Vowed to see us 
On a gurney. 
Look to the left, to the right
Feel the panic
An error of terror
Islamic as well 
As Christianic.

Change was loosed
Upon the Land
Transgendered, rendered, re-assigned
Maligned for being 

But all was ducky and we got lucky
The Pope fell for a lady from Kentucky
Blessing her multiple-partner unions
Wagging the Papal Celibate digit Proclaiming illicit
Same-sex communions.

Disappointment was a fave
Jay-Z's TIDAL never waved.
Apple Set A Watch, man
Few raved.
Harper Lee unwound her clock
Her second first novel failed to ticktock
As the mockingbird's old man
Joined the klan
That many saw as problematicus
The most popular Republican baby name 
Now happens to be, yup... Little Atticus.
The Status Quo
Did not Grow
We still hatin'on drunkened Russians
Still lovin' on football concussions 
Predictable as shoot-first cops
Or Taylor Swift in short crop-tops.

Madman Don the Dandy Draper
Taught the World to Sing Carnally (no predictable doggerel rhyme)
In perfect harmony
With Kendrick Lamarr-money
Pimpin' that poor butterfly's wings
Inside Amy Schumer's randy pants
There's ample room 
For Drake to dance.

Backs to the Wall
Fed raisin' rates
Drug Lord Shkreli
Scored world berates
Courteously flushed 
But the room’s still smelly.

Transgendering took the runway spot
Estrogened and testosteroned
Accepted respected and now condoned
By all except the chromosomes.

Guns still have us in their sights 
Open carry in the bars 
And church
Trolled by NRA sycophants,
But in the morgue room 
Stands the elephant,
Minions of Murder 
Foul beasts lurch
And then they slouch
Toward Deathlahem.

ISIS, ISIL, Houthis, Shabbab
Promise to bury us
It’s their job
Is it fear or imaginary
Or are we already buried 
In our mobile screens
Our virtual cemetaries.

The local police dressed 
To be seen 
As combat-ready armed Marines
Drowned out voices 
With on-the-ground boots
The cries of hands-up-don’t-shoot
And cause to shatter
The Dream 
That Black Lives 
Really do matter.

Next Year 
Don't let your ears fill with fears
Of Islamaphobic political Smears
Humpty Trumpty
Will have a great fall
From his “big & beautiful” Xenophobic wall

And surety like taxes and and like death
To misquote MacBeth
"All our yesterdays have (dim) lighted fools
The way to dusty death, Out, out, brief candle (of darkness)
(Your)Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more. 
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing."

So buy me a beer
And quench my fear
an IPA with a wise-ass label
"Bangin’ Your Sister" or "Murdering Mabel."
If you're socially able
Pour me that hoppy 
Alcohol tincture
An Artesinal brew 
Called "Clinching Sphincters."

(P.S.. Jon Snow is really dead. Thanks a lot, Obama!)

Happiness not Fear in the 2016 New Year.


Sunday, December 6, 2015

Pass the "No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act".

Enough is enough! 
Here's what we need: 
Don't control guns, ban them.

Presidential/Executive "Re-interpretation" of the Second Amendment concomitant with enactment by Congress or Presidential Fiat of the "No Guns Left Behind in Hands of Civilians Act" also to be known as the "No Right to Own Guns Act."

The manufacture, import and sale of firearms and ammunition for non-military in the U. S. and its territories will be banned. 

Phase One: A Federal ban on the civilian purchase of any firearm. This means hand guns, assault rifles, shotguns, hunting rifles, target/sport firearms. Also BB guns and similar varmint-hunting guns such as pellet guns, potato "spud" guns and all NERF-type projectile-emitting gun facsimiles. (BB/pellet and NERF-type guns are "gateway weapons" that lead to future desire/addiction to possess and use bullet-based firearms). Violation of the "No Gun Left Behind Act" is a zero tolerance, "one strike you are out" violation resulting In a minimum income-based fine of $20,000 and up. Inability or refusal  to pay the fine shall result in a minimum one year sentence to a firearm practice ranch for Federal Agents as a live target decoy. (Sentence commuted after one year if prisoner survives)

Phase Two: The President shall order all citizens to turn in to Federal Authorities any and all firearms they own or possess. Firearm owners complying will be compensated for the price that they paid for the firearm(s). Refusal to comply will result in fines and imprisonment. 

Phase Three: The National Guard, branches of the US military forces, Federal policing agents including the FBI, will conduct house-to-house inspections nationally for the purpose of confiscation of firearms. Non-compliance will result in imprisonment of head of household. 

Phase Four: local police will be required to "Stop & Frisk" suspected gun carriers at any time or place. Citizens will also be rewarded with cash bonuses for alerting police or Federal authorities to anyone who they suspect possessing a firearm. 

Hunters and firearm sport enthusiasts will be able to rent approved firearms from the federal government for limited use. Firearm renters shall have proper gun user insurance.  

Traditional firearm-based hunters who choose not to rent firearms will be provided with federal training in bow & arrow, knife and persistence hunting (stalking and chasing game on foot until animal is caught). 

Black market distribution of firearms will be controlled by Revenueurs a special elite strike force of Federal and civilian under- cover swat specialists. Funding for national firearm prohibition will be diverted from state, local and Federal drug enforcement since passage of the "Freedom to Purchase & Use Any Drug Act" Americans will be able to purchase and use any drug legally.

This should be considered only the first steps in freeing our country of the curse of firearms. Once these actions are enacted then America should really get serious about banning guns. 

Thursday, December 3, 2015

What's Left for Trump to Say?

He's called Mexicans rapists, drug addicts and criminals, promises to build a "big, beautiful wall" around America to keep out undocumented migrants, blamed tough media questions on a reporter's monthly period. He calls people he disagrees with fat, idiot, stupid, morons. Claims President Obama's birth certificate is false. Says Ariana Huffington and Carly Fiorino are ugly. Said you can't beat ISIS if you sweat too much and that if Hillary can't satisfy her husband how is she going to satisfy America. He says global warming is a hoax. “Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.”  "I have a great relationship with the blacks." "I've said if Ivanka weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." "You know, it doesn't really matter what [the media] write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." "Often times when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, I would say to myself, thinking about me as a boy from Queens, "Can you believe what I am getting?" “Heidi Klum (supermodel). Sadly, she’s no longer a 10." Oh, yes...Trump also says he absolutely saw TV footage of 1000s of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating on 9-11. And yep, recently Trump mocked a disabled New York Times reporter by imitating his body movements. Whew....I'm out of breath and energy digging up these Trumprageous comments. Let's go to future tape. 

So. What's left for Trump to say? Who and what hasn't he railed against and insulted. Here are a few insults waiting in the hopper, predictions of what he still might say that will inexplicably increase his poll ratings. 

On The Pope. "Yeah, Francis, Frankie, he's a fat old geezer. A real loser. Just look at that belly. Not even Rosie O'Donnell would get on her knees for him."

Native Americans: "These so-called noble savages don't even know how to run a casino like me...give'em a few shots of liquor and they'll end up scalping themselves instead of their customers."

Automobiles: "Basically just pieces of junk.. I don't know why people buy them...the best mode of transportation is a limo and a private jet. And I've got the best private limos and jets at my disposal." 

The late Mother Theresa: "She was an ugly skinny old hag. So over-rated, that one.. No one tends to the poor better than me..believe me...when I'm President the poor will be tended too so much they'll get tired of it!! They'll say "Stop it Mr. Trump, no more tending.. !" 

Refrigerators: what's this all about anyway? Keeping food cold? I like my food hot and served to me in one of my 5-Star restaurants..I've got Mexicans, Filipinos, Orientals to cook it..who needs a refrigerator..or a stove! Losers and morons, that's who! "

Smart phones: Believe me.. the iPhone and those Korean phonies are total losers...for the life of me I can't figure out why people buy these things..I've got the best phone, a MeTrump phone..solid gold with diamond keys. Made exclusively for me by the best people."

Milk: Never drink it! Never drink anything that comes out of a cow's tit. Can you imagine? This cow's laying around in its own dung eating weeds and stuff and this is what makes milk? I drink only the best milk...beautiful young virgin milk from world class virgins. And I know virgins."

Apple Pie: who would eat that crap? I'll tell you! Losers! Morons! I only eat the top shelf pie...Trumpie: made with the best stuff you ever tasted.. baked by the best people who know how to bake the best.. And believe me I know the best! 

Motherhood: you ever hear me talk about my mother? No! Motherhood is for idiots! Who needs'em! That's all I'm gonna say on that subject... don't get me started. 

Navy Seals: what's up with that name anyway? A seal? Who wants to be a seal, flapping and honking on a chunk of ice all day long? These guys are so over-rated...all that training they need. So they shot Bin Laden? I like guys who didn't shoot bin Laden...who maybe...you know...just bombs the crap outta the Osamas. I know how to bomb people. No one bombs better than me, trust me!" 

Yes, trust him sooner or later to say all the above, and worse. And rise in the polls. 
God Bless & Save America. 

Read more like this and not like this at my blog: www.praajek.com

Friday, November 27, 2015


Each year we are treated to new album releases by assorted artists - popular and has-been - rendering their versions of Christmas and Holiday carols. One of my favorites is Bob Dylan's "Xmas in the Heart" in which he croons, gristles, groans and chews up holiday traditionals such as "O Come All Ye Faithful" and "Silent Night." It's quite a feat and for me at least a real Christmas treat. Another seasonal favo is "Just Say Noël," which includes my special holiday favo by "Sonic Youth, "Santa Doesn't Cop Out on Dope," and "Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa" by The Roots. "Jingle All the Way" by Crash Test Dummies is also a heart & hearth-warming collection of holiday  sentimentals. 

So this year I would love to see and hear some new offerings such as: 

Bill Maher's "An Atheist's Xmas" on which he sings "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen...gay marriage is finally legal." And "While Shepherds Watched...Yeah they like to watch" would be on my iTunes Xmas playlist. 

Bill Clinton's "Xmas with a Boner" including his just released hit song, "Joseph did not have sex with that Woman" and of course his saxophone rendition of "BlueXmas" would enlarge his legacy. 

Donald Trump's "The Biggest Best & Hugest Xmas" featuring his holiday hit, "No One Does Xmas Better Than Me," and "Trump Pumpa Trump Trumps the Little Immigrant Boy" and "Away.. (far far away from America,) In a Manger" could push him even higher in the polls. 

Bernie Sanders'  "Have Yourself a Communal Little Socialist Xmas" featuring "Rudolph the Red Commie Reindeer" would be a favo of mine. 

Hillary's Xmas Dishes album includes her never-before released and destined-to-become-a-seasonal classic, "Bill's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire" would be a family hit in my household. 

And speaking of open fire, the Chicago Police Department Xmas Choir gets us into the spirit of the season with the hauntingly  moving "Oh come on keep mum Rahm Emmanuel," segueing to a celebratory "Silent Nights & Silent Days helps Good King Winsalot of elections." 

Merry Xhristmas y'all. 
 Read more like this and not like this at my blog. www.praajek.com

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Of ISIS and Men

I suppose it's natural to be somewhat unsettled and unsure of how to react beyond shock, horror and sadness about the recent terrorist/Islamic/ISIS/ISIL/Daesh attacks in Paris. Special interest organizations, public figures, politicians and media pundits wasted little time and very little serious thought before spouting bigoted and caustic invective in the name of defending America from the kind of carnage inflicted in Paris.  Political was-been Newt Gringrich lanced his poisonous pus-filled heart by tweeting that if Parisian concert victims had been armed they could have survived. I'm sure he's already cashed his check from the NRA. From there it got worse. Donald Trump agitated anew to build that "big beautiful wall" and to register all Muslims in the U.S. (Maybe tattoo them, too, Donald?) and Jeb! Bush tried trumping Trump by saying only Christian refugees should be admitted. (ISIS terrorists in Mali yesterday made hostages recite lines from the Quran to prove they are Muslim.. sounds like they got that idea from Jeb!) And predictably Republican governors said no to new Syrian refugees in their states. Of course House Speaker Paul Ryan pushed thru a bill stopping any Syrian refugees from entering the U.S. And oh yes, leading Presidential candidate Ben Carson called Syrian widows and child refugees "rabid dogs." Not even France displayed that kind of xenophobia announcing that despite the terrorist attacks it would still compassionately welcome 30,000 new Syrian refugees.

Paraphrasing a friend, Republican pussy-wingers are a million times more likely to be killed at a Walmart Black Friday stampede than killed by a Syrian refugee. (Another friend joked a solution to the ISIS crisis...just give them a country and then nukem. haha)

But, as they say, I digress. The agony is in the question that haunts the dark mental and spiritual halls of anyone who still has a flexible and well-toned brain opened to learning, admitting bias, able to cortically correct and see dimensionally rather than the multitudes of Americans with calcified hearts and minds whose first and only reaction is to act on animal instinct of bite first when threatened.

But even the rational thinking mind is challenged when confronted by a force so nihilistic and savage as the terrorist  Islamic fundamentalists armed with blind faith of revenge and retribution on those who do not share or who disrespect the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad. I hear the pleas of pundits, politicians, religious leaders, Muslims themselves, to avoid branding all Muslims as terrorists. Of course not all Muslims are terrorists. But here we have a virulent strain of the Islamic faith. Does the Quran (Koran) invoke and promote violence any more than the Bible? Obviously I'm not a Biblical nor Quranic scholar and can only reply on other experts for answers.
Here's a little quiz. Which quote is from the Bible and which is from the Quran?

Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves. (Answer: Bible, Numbers 31:17-1 )

Fight and slay the Pagans wherever ye find them: seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem (of war)."  (Answer: Quran, 9:5)

You get the point.. Read more at Is Quran more violent than bible: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124494788

The difference seems to lie in the fact that Christianity focuses its faith more toward the New (kinder&Jesus-friendly) Testament whereas this death cult of ISIS seizes upon the approximately 100 violence-supported passages out of about 6,000 non violent passages of the Quran.

Let's hope we don't see an offshoot Christian militant group (CRISIS.. Christian Religion Is Slaying Islam Sinners?) inspired by Biblical excerpts such as :

Make ready to slaughter the infidel’s sons for the guilt of their fathers; Lest they rise and possess the earth, and fill the breadth of the world with tyrants. (Isaiah 14:21)
Then I heard God say to the other men, "Follow him through the city and kill everyone whose forehead is not marked. Show no mercy; have no pity! Kill them all – old and young, girls and women and little children.” (Ezekiel 9:5)

Both the Bible and the Quran contain exhortations to kill and maim. Although the death cult of ISIS seems to spread like a plague, is the cure really declarations of war, American boots on the ground, or building walls or creating Muslim refugee concentration camps? Or do such responses fulfill the objectives of ISIS death seekers and draw in more recruits? The more I think about all this the more I like to imagine John Lennon's lyric, a world with no religion. And this from Robert Burns: "The best laid schemes of mice and men / Often go awry."

Read more like this and not like this at my blog:  www.praajek.com

Thursday, October 1, 2015

One woman and one Pope.. just how Jesus wanted it..

Will Pope Francis abdicate the Papal Throne to be with Kim Davis? Rumors, just rumors say Vatican spokespriests in response to rumored rumors that the Pope has succumbed to the fleshy fruits of Morehead KY county clerk and sex goddess Kim Davis. 

"Although I'm the Pope I'm still a man...who among men could resist the siren song of this Kim Davis?" Pope Francis supposedly whispered to an aide in an overheard unsubstantiated conversation on the Papal flight back to Rome. 

If true, this would be Mrs. Davis' first seduction of a Roman Catholic Pope. "I've had lots of pastors, reverends and a deacon or two," Mrs. Davis supposedly said, "but Lord Almighty I never imagined a real live Pope...hee haw and whoopie doo." 

Mrs. Davis reportedly told reporters she and Francis were brought together by Jesus and Tinder. "I was just doing some plain old Tindering in the fields of the Lord and wouldn't you know it up popped the Pope so I quick-as-a-lump-of-lard-on-a-pile-of-grits Swiped Right...and heavens to holy matrimony next thang I see on my Google Android phone is a match made in heaven...one woman and one Pope.. just how Jesus wanted it", she might have added. 


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Random Ejaculations: (n. an abrupt, exclamatory utterance)

Oxymoron of the year: Clean Diesel

At their secret meeting last week did Kim Davis bend over backwards to kiss Pope Frank's "ring."    

Hillary's campaign for president is beginning to be like that giant flower people lined up to see.. You know the one.. The Titan arum...or corpse flower.. It takes years to bloom and then smells like a rotting corpse. The smell is aimed at attracting pollinators (contributors) that help it reproduce.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Bernie's The One

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. " ..slogan popularized by Karl Marx

"From each according to his whatever, to each according to his wants."  ...new American slogan. 

Bernie, we hardly know ye. Present tense, thank you Sir. You are the anti-Hillary. The anti-any Republican. In a beauty hair pageant with Donald Trump you would win the mane event while Donald would coiff up hair balls. In a debate with Jeb! Bush you'd excoriate his exclamation point to the point of pointlessness. You'd drink Hillary under & over her email server, surgically excise Ben Carson's brainless Islamaphobia; pour a thicker Kwickee Mart slurpee than Bobby Jindal, stop more traffic than Chris Crispee, sell more used cars than Scott Walker, outgun god in a gravy bowl of Huckabee grits; out-liber-randy Rand Paul, drink more water than Marco Rubio; shout crazy shit louder than Ted Cruz; dress down Carly Fiorina better than Trump. Sell more $8,000 a gallon HP ink than Carly Fiorina. 

Yes, Bernie...you can beat down any of those Repooblikan clowns in a one-on-one or group MMA smack down. There's only one problemo. Bernie. You won't be elected President. Damnit Bernie, when Nixon ran against Hubert H. in 1968 I was so disgusted I wrote-in commie party Gus Hall on my absentee college ballot. Gus didn't win. The New Nixon was The One and Hubert wasn't Bobby Kennedy or Gene McCarthy. And now Bernie, it's your turn to hoist the red leftist rag and wave it in the face of red-necked America. You say you are not a socialist. You say you are a Democratic Socialist, one who seeks reform, not Revolution, thru the Democratic process (not revolution). All good and true. (Damnit where's the Revolution?) Except many Americans have no sense of subtlety, no defining ability to differentiate. It's black or it's white; Good or Bad; Socialist or Commie; Government bad -Corporations (capitalism) good. 
With your socialist name tag you won't mix well in that national November cocktail election party. So that's why I have a 10 Point Plan to make you more palatable, lovable and maybe even so votable you could become our next President. 

1. If you are accused of being a socialist say hell yes that you use social media a lot, like Facebook and Instagram. 
2. Trump up your hair. Add some color--rusty red would look good. Get coiffed. That wispy curly white stuff blowing nimbus-like around your crown looks old. Like grandpa old. 
3. Say some real crazy shit.. Quit talking about policies, leadership and the future. Just say things like...make America #1 again. Americans like the number 1. One is better than two, right? Unless it's beer or a double cheezewizz bacon burger and fries. 
4. Get a kitten and a puppy...carry them around in a basket while campaigning. Name one Stars and the other Stripes. Encourage folks to take selfies with them. 
5. Talk about how you are going to get America to stop fighting each other like cats and dogs and to share the basket like Stars and Stripes. Adorable. 
6. Incorporate the word "adorable" in your speech as often as possible. 
7. Wear a very large flag pin at all times. 
8. Be the Lone Ranger. Talk about the past. The good old days. Arrive at campaign stops on a fiery steed, a cloud of dust and a faithful Hispanic companion, Jose. Return with us now, America, to those thrilling days of yesteryear to fight for law and order. 
9. Always carry a Bible in your pocket. And a copy of the Constitution. The two go together like a kitten and a puppy in a basket. 
10. Just be yourself. Or not. 


Sunday, August 30, 2015

Can't We All Just...kill each other.

We Need new divisive social issues to keep us divided. Now that the Supreme Court has settled gay marriage, transgendering is transparent, marihuana is mainstream and even issues like abortion, prayer in school, gun control, climate change -- the old GGGG... god, guns, gays & grizzlies, are so last-decade. 

To feed the cultural war machine I suggest we reprise some select explosive issues from yesteryear. Here are my suggestions for some issues guaranteed to set us on edge and make us go at each other's throats with mouth-slaughtering vehemence: 

Earth shoes vs. Birkenstocks
The minus-heel...earth shoes had thick soles in the front and thin heels. (Think reverse mullet) Wearing them was supposed to be like walking on the beach. I got married in a pair over my mother's protestations. "I'll be married & buried in my earth shoes," I declared. The Earthshoe was marketed as a "wellness" shoe, wearing them physically challenged you. Birkenstocks were all about comfort. True hippies wore neither. Barefoot was de rigueur. Both brands are still sold. Birks are better known but Earths still walk the land.  Have a fit. 

Quiche... Do real men eat it? Who knew what "quiche" really meant back in the 70's, but whatever it was prompted much discussion with men and women arguing for and against. Hint: Hot dish for women. 

God is Dead... Or not? The now famous and then infamous 1966 Time Magazine cover posited Friedrich Nietzsche's "God is Dead" postulate exploring the role of God in an increasingly secular society.  Social media then was limited to church pulpits and bar rooms. Nasty times. 

Television: A Wasteland? Although now we're supposedly in the "golden age" of TV in 1961 a big divisive debate was ignited by FCC Commissioner Newton Minnow who in a speech to TV executives referred to TV as a "vast wasteland" in need of reform, namely more public service programming. People chose sides. Duck. 

Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) First introduced in the 1920s, this proposed constitutional amendment was a polarizing issue in the 1970's and early 80's among feminists, liberals and conservatives. Conservative anti-feminist activist Phyllis Schlafly successfully campaigned against it warning that passage would mean the end of alimony, create unisex bathrooms and cause women to be drafted and throw away their bras. Good Times for Demagogues. 

Vietnam.... in it to win it? This unwinnable excursion into another country's civil war was the launchpad for the cultural wars still raging today. No lessons learned here. 

Is Twiggy too thin? Skinny British model Twiggy, creator of the androgynous modeling look was the hot topic of debate in the mid-Sixties. Too thin? Too flat-chested, hair too short, boy-like. Ah, Twiggy... We need you now to twerk and kiss Miley Cyrus. 

Communism - the Red Threat. Those godless pinkos wanted to bury us in the 1950-60 Cold War days. Now it's those god-loving theocratic terrorists ISIS we are trying to make WASWAS. McCarthyism made you suspect your neighbor of plotting to turn your backyard patio into a people's garden. Be Afraid. 

Disco, hippies, yuppies....all these and others sparked feuds, controversy and contentiousness. Let's take a break from the GGGGs and have some real fun. 


Monday, August 24, 2015

VompuSucus photo...Michigan Beast!

In flagrante delicto... At last caught in the act... The elusive Michigan VompuSucus (Latin: sphincterclinchtus horriblis). I photographed this rarest of beasts up against a hillside hemlock tree at my Michigan cottage on a recent early morning. Only a few sightings of this beast have ever been witnessed. Native American legend says the VompuSucus has few if any predators and is known as the sworn enemy of the wolverine. It has been known to creep through dune grass at night and work its way silently thru spreading myrtle to pounce on unsuspecting victims. When not feasting on the internal organs of its victims "Vompy" will chow down on hosta  plants.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

On Day One....first day in office..

On Day One....first day in office.. 
What WILL they do.....

A common meme among Presidential  aspirants is to announce to prospective supporters the number one thing he or she will do on DAY ONE, immediately following the last utterance of the last syllable of the oath of office.  "....so help me goddd....and now I now proclaim that all children over the age of 5 be indentured to serve out their childhood fulfilling Prime Now orders in Amazon warehouses across this great nation... Oh, and yeah, I just killed Obamacare."

Telling voters what you will do on Day One if elected to sleep in the White House is an act of extreme pandering that has become almost a campaign obligation like appearing in rolled-up shirtsleeves standing on a bale of hay in mega church singing gawd bless America. So to supplement the already Day One promises I suggest the following for the current crop of clown candidates. 

Donald "The Rumpus" Trumpus: his first day is already full with building that 1,954 mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico. But what Trump and his supporters (Trumportors) are really looking forward to on Day One will be the issuance of his one-to-ten rankings list of supermodels. His recent preview ranking of Heidi Klum as less than a "10" .... was just what the nation needed during our summer of discontent. 

Scott "Recall" Walker: On Scott's big Day One he will issue himself a college degree. Honorary of course, but better than nothing. 

Ted (Count Chocula) Cruz: Day One will also be the Last Day as he will announce the official shutting down of the U. S. Government. 

Rand "Curly" Paul: That curly mop will see not another day as Prez Paul gets a Brazilian Blowout hair-straightening treatment on Day One.  

Marco "Thirsty Boy" Rubio: Republicans like walls. On Day One El Presidente Rubio better get constructing a wall around Miami to keep the rising "non-human-induced non-climate change" sea levels from washing Florida away. 

Lindsey "Sweetheart" Graham:  On Day One Prezzy Lindsey promises to reveal who he has met on the dating site "CongressWithMe" to join him as his FLOTUS. 

Rick "Oops" Perry: Prez Perry is looking forward thru his new genius glasses to finally on Day One ....."doing sumthang...uh, uh, open up a can of oop ass?"

Jeb "Mama's Boy" Bush: Day One of his return of the Dynasty to the Throne, Jebsonofabush will stick the head of Saadam Hussain on the White House fence. Saadam's head has been lovingly cared for by Dick Cheney in his Wyoming bunker since his execution in 2003.  "This one's for you Mommy," Jeb'll say. 

Mike "Fat Again" Huckabee:  And on The First Day, President Huckabee, author of his biblical best seller "God, Guns, Grits & Gravy" will conjur the wrath of God, the death of Guns, the whiteness of Grits and the grease of Gravy to require all Demon-crats to pack open-carry heat and dine at Cracker Barrel, Chick fil'A , Pizza Hut and Waffle House. 

Rick "Man-on-Dog" Santorum: Like Mike the Huckabee, President Santorum.. Can't say that word...(yuckyphew!) awww crap, forget it..

Bobby "Apu" Jindal: first India-heritage President Jindal's Day One proclamation will require all Kwicky Marts to serve Cajun-style slur-pees. 

Carly "InkJet" Fiorina: The first U.S. trans-gender woman President, Prez Fiorina issues a blanket pardon on Day One to all manufacturers of ink jet printers for the crime of charging customers $8,000 per gallon ($32/half ounce) for ink refills. In a sign of bipartisanship she also rescinds her campaign promise to run the U.S. government like she did Hewlet Packard.  

John "Semi-Normal Republican" Kasich and George "My middle name really IS Elmer" Pataki: Fantasy President Kasich and Fantasy Vice Principal Pataki's Day One fantasy promise to go to Disney World will be a fantasy fulfilled. They will be joined by the remaining fantasy Republican candidates:
Jim Gilmore
James C.  Mitchell
Michael Bickelmeyer 
K. Ross Newland
Skip Anderson
Jack Fellure 
George Bailey 
John Dumment 
Dale Christiansen 
Jefferson Sherman 
Michael Petyo 
Andy Martin
Brooks Cullison 
Brian Russell 
Shawna Sterling
Bartholomew Lower 
Chris Hill
Mark Everson 
Esteban Oliverez 
Jim Hayden 
Kerry Bowers
Ben Carson 
Eric Cavanagh 

Hillary "The Rodham" Clinton: What a Day One! Been waiting for this one a long time. Ahhhh.  Saporem Diem. Savor the Day. Guess what Bill? You been served. D. I. V. O. R. C. E. 

Bernie "Burn Baby Burn" Sanders: President Bernie, incendiary socialist, will wait until May 1st, May Day, to declare Day One when he'll Bernie y'all rich white mofcukas asses down. 



Friday, July 17, 2015

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dead "FareThee Well" Last Concert Inspires Them to Keep on Truckin'...new Concert Dates Announced !

Dead "FareThee Well" Last Concert Inspires Them to Keep on Truckin'...new Concert Dates Announced !

On the heels of a blockbuster last tour and and final performance in Chicago this past weekend, the Grateful Dead Band, Inc.  announced today a worldwide tour of every nation on the globe. Newly installed "Dead" lead singer and guitarist Chad Kroeger, who recently left his band Nickleback, said that the Dead's international fan base deserved another chance to experience the wonderment of expensive ticketry and musical nirvana at least one more final time. 
"The Grateful Dead brand represents the ultimate commercialization of Baby Boomer  values," said Kroeger.  "And we certainly want to cash in on that," he said. The former Nickleback band leader and cult rock idol says he want to his new band in new directions. "We'll be re-constituting and re-purposing a lot of my old Nickleback greatest hits, slowing them down with a layer of chill, lethargy and insouciance particular to The Dead," he explained. "It's gonna be kind of sweet & sour...a umami kinda thing, with long stretches of blissful Dead-like drums hums and numbs, Kroeger said.  "Both Nickleback and Dead fans are gonna crush it large for this product, I mean experience." 

Monday, June 29, 2015

The Night They Burned Old Dixie Down

Ban it & Burn It. 

Spurn it & Burn it

Flag it & Rag It. 

Flag it & Bag It. 

As even Supreme Court inJustice Scalia would probably agree, you have a right, like him, to be an asshole. Yes, take the Confederate flag down from government sites..after all it's a symbol of a treasonous insurrection against the U.S. government. But ban it? We don't ban ideas nor representations of ideas...symbols...the flag of the treasonous who wanted to overthrow the government in order to keep their human slaves. If you want to buy a confederate flag made in China then by gods buy one for your man cave or a flag bumper sticker for your pickup. This is America, right? The country of free expression, life, liberty and pursuit of happiness (and assholeness) that supporters of that flag wanted to overthrow and sacrifice to so they could keep people in slavery. But don't over-react like Apple by removing pictures of it from video games and computer apps. What would a Cracker Barrel restaurant be without confederate flags and refrigerator magnets? Or little red and blue stripes of iron-on cloth for confederate flag DIYers at Hobby Lobby? Does Chick-fil-a sell them? Did Amazon, Sears, Walmart and eBay decide to ban the sale of the pro-slave flags for any reason other than negative PR and the effect on profits?  Probably not. Good riddance from public government institutions, yes. Purge it and ban its sale, no. Besides, we know what banning something does...Amazon reported flag sales increased up to 2,000% just prior to its decision to pull flag merchandise. (Of course we don't know what that means in real numbers) It's likely that if a scientific poll could measure it more than 25% of Americans are genuine (as opposed to just fake) assholes. (I just pulled that number from guess where) So let'em buy it if so inclined. Maybe they will buy the flags to remind themselves of the shame of Confederacy. Maybe.