Sunday, August 30, 2015

Can't We All Just...kill each other.

We Need new divisive social issues to keep us divided. Now that the Supreme Court has settled gay marriage, transgendering is transparent, marihuana is mainstream and even issues like abortion, prayer in school, gun control, climate change -- the old GGGG... god, guns, gays & grizzlies, are so last-decade. 

To feed the cultural war machine I suggest we reprise some select explosive issues from yesteryear. Here are my suggestions for some issues guaranteed to set us on edge and make us go at each other's throats with mouth-slaughtering vehemence: 

Earth shoes vs. Birkenstocks
The minus-heel...earth shoes had thick soles in the front and thin heels. (Think reverse mullet) Wearing them was supposed to be like walking on the beach. I got married in a pair over my mother's protestations. "I'll be married & buried in my earth shoes," I declared. The Earthshoe was marketed as a "wellness" shoe, wearing them physically challenged you. Birkenstocks were all about comfort. True hippies wore neither. Barefoot was de rigueur. Both brands are still sold. Birks are better known but Earths still walk the land.  Have a fit. 

Quiche... Do real men eat it? Who knew what "quiche" really meant back in the 70's, but whatever it was prompted much discussion with men and women arguing for and against. Hint: Hot dish for women. 

God is Dead... Or not? The now famous and then infamous 1966 Time Magazine cover posited Friedrich Nietzsche's "God is Dead" postulate exploring the role of God in an increasingly secular society.  Social media then was limited to church pulpits and bar rooms. Nasty times. 

Television: A Wasteland? Although now we're supposedly in the "golden age" of TV in 1961 a big divisive debate was ignited by FCC Commissioner Newton Minnow who in a speech to TV executives referred to TV as a "vast wasteland" in need of reform, namely more public service programming. People chose sides. Duck. 

Equal Rights Amendment (ERA) First introduced in the 1920s, this proposed constitutional amendment was a polarizing issue in the 1970's and early 80's among feminists, liberals and conservatives. Conservative anti-feminist activist Phyllis Schlafly successfully campaigned against it warning that passage would mean the end of alimony, create unisex bathrooms and cause women to be drafted and throw away their bras. Good Times for Demagogues. 

Vietnam.... in it to win it? This unwinnable excursion into another country's civil war was the launchpad for the cultural wars still raging today. No lessons learned here. 

Is Twiggy too thin? Skinny British model Twiggy, creator of the androgynous modeling look was the hot topic of debate in the mid-Sixties. Too thin? Too flat-chested, hair too short, boy-like. Ah, Twiggy... We need you now to twerk and kiss Miley Cyrus. 

Communism - the Red Threat. Those godless pinkos wanted to bury us in the 1950-60 Cold War days. Now it's those god-loving theocratic terrorists ISIS we are trying to make WASWAS. McCarthyism made you suspect your neighbor of plotting to turn your backyard patio into a people's garden. Be Afraid. 

Disco, hippies, yuppies....all these and others sparked feuds, controversy and contentiousness. Let's take a break from the GGGGs and have some real fun. 

www.praajek.com

Monday, August 24, 2015

VompuSucus photo...Michigan Beast!

In flagrante delicto... At last caught in the act... The elusive Michigan VompuSucus (Latin: sphincterclinchtus horriblis). I photographed this rarest of beasts up against a hillside hemlock tree at my Michigan cottage on a recent early morning. Only a few sightings of this beast have ever been witnessed. Native American legend says the VompuSucus has few if any predators and is known as the sworn enemy of the wolverine. It has been known to creep through dune grass at night and work its way silently thru spreading myrtle to pounce on unsuspecting victims. When not feasting on the internal organs of its victims "Vompy" will chow down on hosta  plants.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

On Day One....first day in office..

On Day One....first day in office.. 
What WILL they do.....

A common meme among Presidential  aspirants is to announce to prospective supporters the number one thing he or she will do on DAY ONE, immediately following the last utterance of the last syllable of the oath of office.  "....so help me goddd....and now I now proclaim that all children over the age of 5 be indentured to serve out their childhood fulfilling Prime Now orders in Amazon warehouses across this great nation... Oh, and yeah, I just killed Obamacare."

Telling voters what you will do on Day One if elected to sleep in the White House is an act of extreme pandering that has become almost a campaign obligation like appearing in rolled-up shirtsleeves standing on a bale of hay in mega church singing gawd bless America. So to supplement the already Day One promises I suggest the following for the current crop of clown candidates. 

Donald "The Rumpus" Trumpus: his first day is already full with building that 1,954 mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico. But what Trump and his supporters (Trumportors) are really looking forward to on Day One will be the issuance of his one-to-ten rankings list of supermodels. His recent preview ranking of Heidi Klum as less than a "10" .... was just what the nation needed during our summer of discontent. 

Scott "Recall" Walker: On Scott's big Day One he will issue himself a college degree. Honorary of course, but better than nothing. 

Ted (Count Chocula) Cruz: Day One will also be the Last Day as he will announce the official shutting down of the U. S. Government. 

Rand "Curly" Paul: That curly mop will see not another day as Prez Paul gets a Brazilian Blowout hair-straightening treatment on Day One.  

Marco "Thirsty Boy" Rubio: Republicans like walls. On Day One El Presidente Rubio better get constructing a wall around Miami to keep the rising "non-human-induced non-climate change" sea levels from washing Florida away. 


Lindsey "Sweetheart" Graham:  On Day One Prezzy Lindsey promises to reveal who he has met on the dating site "CongressWithMe" to join him as his FLOTUS. 

Rick "Oops" Perry: Prez Perry is looking forward thru his new genius glasses to finally on Day One ....."doing sumthang...uh, uh, open up a can of oop ass?"

Jeb "Mama's Boy" Bush: Day One of his return of the Dynasty to the Throne, Jebsonofabush will stick the head of Saadam Hussain on the White House fence. Saadam's head has been lovingly cared for by Dick Cheney in his Wyoming bunker since his execution in 2003.  "This one's for you Mommy," Jeb'll say. 

Mike "Fat Again" Huckabee:  And on The First Day, President Huckabee, author of his biblical best seller "God, Guns, Grits & Gravy" will conjur the wrath of God, the death of Guns, the whiteness of Grits and the grease of Gravy to require all Demon-crats to pack open-carry heat and dine at Cracker Barrel, Chick fil'A , Pizza Hut and Waffle House. 

Rick "Man-on-Dog" Santorum: Like Mike the Huckabee, President Santorum.. Can't say that word...(yuckyphew!) awww crap, forget it..

Bobby "Apu" Jindal: first India-heritage President Jindal's Day One proclamation will require all Kwicky Marts to serve Cajun-style slur-pees. 

Carly "InkJet" Fiorina: The first U.S. trans-gender woman President, Prez Fiorina issues a blanket pardon on Day One to all manufacturers of ink jet printers for the crime of charging customers $8,000 per gallon ($32/half ounce) for ink refills. In a sign of bipartisanship she also rescinds her campaign promise to run the U.S. government like she did Hewlet Packard.  

John "Semi-Normal Republican" Kasich and George "My middle name really IS Elmer" Pataki: Fantasy President Kasich and Fantasy Vice Principal Pataki's Day One fantasy promise to go to Disney World will be a fantasy fulfilled. They will be joined by the remaining fantasy Republican candidates:
Jim Gilmore
James C.  Mitchell
Michael Bickelmeyer 
K. Ross Newland
Skip Anderson
Jack Fellure 
George Bailey 
John Dumment 
Dale Christiansen 
Jefferson Sherman 
Michael Petyo 
Andy Martin
Brooks Cullison 
Brian Russell 
Shawna Sterling
Bartholomew Lower 
Chris Hill
Mark Everson 
Esteban Oliverez 
Jim Hayden 
Kerry Bowers
Ben Carson 
Eric Cavanagh 

Hillary "The Rodham" Clinton: What a Day One! Been waiting for this one a long time. Ahhhh.  Saporem Diem. Savor the Day. Guess what Bill? You been served. D. I. V. O. R. C. E. 

Bernie "Burn Baby Burn" Sanders: President Bernie, incendiary socialist, will wait until May 1st, May Day, to declare Day One when he'll Bernie y'all rich white mofcukas asses down. 


www.praajek.com




 








Friday, July 17, 2015

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dead "FareThee Well" Last Concert Inspires Them to Keep on Truckin'...new Concert Dates Announced !

Dead "FareThee Well" Last Concert Inspires Them to Keep on Truckin'...new Concert Dates Announced !

On the heels of a blockbuster last tour and and final performance in Chicago this past weekend, the Grateful Dead Band, Inc.  announced today a worldwide tour of every nation on the globe. Newly installed "Dead" lead singer and guitarist Chad Kroeger, who recently left his band Nickleback, said that the Dead's international fan base deserved another chance to experience the wonderment of expensive ticketry and musical nirvana at least one more final time. 
"The Grateful Dead brand represents the ultimate commercialization of Baby Boomer  values," said Kroeger.  "And we certainly want to cash in on that," he said. The former Nickleback band leader and cult rock idol says he want to his new band in new directions. "We'll be re-constituting and re-purposing a lot of my old Nickleback greatest hits, slowing them down with a layer of chill, lethargy and insouciance particular to The Dead," he explained. "It's gonna be kind of sweet & sour...a umami kinda thing, with long stretches of blissful Dead-like drums hums and numbs, Kroeger said.  "Both Nickleback and Dead fans are gonna crush it large for this product, I mean experience." 

Monday, June 29, 2015

The Night They Burned Old Dixie Down

Ban it & Burn It. 

Spurn it & Burn it

Flag it & Rag It. 

Flag it & Bag It. 

As even Supreme Court inJustice Scalia would probably agree, you have a right, like him, to be an asshole. Yes, take the Confederate flag down from government sites..after all it's a symbol of a treasonous insurrection against the U.S. government. But ban it? We don't ban ideas nor representations of ideas...symbols...the flag of the treasonous who wanted to overthrow the government in order to keep their human slaves. If you want to buy a confederate flag made in China then by gods buy one for your man cave or a flag bumper sticker for your pickup. This is America, right? The country of free expression, life, liberty and pursuit of happiness (and assholeness) that supporters of that flag wanted to overthrow and sacrifice to so they could keep people in slavery. But don't over-react like Apple by removing pictures of it from video games and computer apps. What would a Cracker Barrel restaurant be without confederate flags and refrigerator magnets? Or little red and blue stripes of iron-on cloth for confederate flag DIYers at Hobby Lobby? Does Chick-fil-a sell them? Did Amazon, Sears, Walmart and eBay decide to ban the sale of the pro-slave flags for any reason other than negative PR and the effect on profits?  Probably not. Good riddance from public government institutions, yes. Purge it and ban its sale, no. Besides, we know what banning something does...Amazon reported flag sales increased up to 2,000% just prior to its decision to pull flag merchandise. (Of course we don't know what that means in real numbers) It's likely that if a scientific poll could measure it more than 25% of Americans are genuine (as opposed to just fake) assholes. (I just pulled that number from guess where) So let'em buy it if so inclined. Maybe they will buy the flags to remind themselves of the shame of Confederacy. Maybe. 


Monday, June 15, 2015

My re-Assignment



Bruce did it. So did Rachel. Bruce is now Caitlyn. Rachel Dolezal turned from White to Black. These two high profile publicly debated cases compel and inspire me to finally come clean, or green, as many correctly assume. Yes, I'm ready to come out. 
Yes, I have undergone a reassignment.

Not gender. Not race. Not sexual orientation. Not even from bloody carnivore to shadowless vegan. Ever since my arrival onto this 6,000 year-old earth from my mother ship I have deeply felt that the tactile-visual interface assigned to me at my creation, a human endoskeleton covered with a human exoskeleton, was wrong. So wrong. So today I've got to do it. It’s going to be tough. I’ve been thinking about this day forever and what I should do with my life. How do I tell my story? How do I tell people what I’ve been through, and that day is today. I don't need tissues — because we don't cry. It’s gonna be kinda tough but today’s the day.  

Am I a Corporation? Yes. Am I a Uranian Corporation? Yes, for all intents and purposes, I am a corporation from the Republic of Uranus. Mitt Rommey only said half of it...that corporations are people... Well, Mitt, they can be Uranians, too. I guess that makes me a Corporate Uranus Republican (CUR). I’ve always been confused with my galactic identity. During those early post-creation ages I engaged in cross dressing...often shedding my human neonatal wrappings and transporting my natural human state throughout my Assimilation Dwell Pod (home) with free abandon wearing only suspenders and Top Hat.  My progenitor elements, Mum & Pop, ignored my nearly naked attempts to connect with my true Corporate Uranus Republican identity. So did my pre-me human sibling Rita as well as subsequent post-me human element sib-whelpings Stephen, Joan, Christopher, Molly, Isadore, Cantwell and Mucky. Every day was a cry (not literally since we don't) for help. Since neonatehood I have always felt special; like a semi-colon in a long connective rambling sentence. Difficult to potty train, I believed early on that simple trickle down was the best for those under me. I had to suppress my core CUR beliefs that as it is practiced in my homeland Uranus everyone should be armed to the teeth and tentacles at all times with mobile instruments of death and mayhem; (notice the semi-colon!) that the principles of freedom (well, not unfettered female body & health-decision freedom) and survival of the fittest should rule us instead of oppressive wealth-distributing governments. Yes, all my life I have definitely felt like a CUR, a Uranus maker and shaker...not a taker.  So today (stifled sniff) I announce to this world my galactic re-assignment shedding my human skin and transitioning to my true nature...a Corporate Uranian of the Republic of Uranus. Look for my upcoming reality show on The Fox News Channel. (Kleenex, godsdammit!) 

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

News Clothes..touchy, touchy, touchy....



"Google....announced a new partnership with Levi Strauss in which the companies would try to make interactive garments that would allow people to do things like send someone a text message by swiping their jacket cuff...conductive fabrics that can be weaved into everyday clothes...could register the users touch and transmit information elsewhere, like to a smartphone or tablet computer."


Just got my new wardrobe box from Trunk Club today.  Inside are my new clothes chosen by myreal, qualified personal stylist, GiGi.  She has learned what I like, and she knows what looks good on me. As I open the Trunk box I feel a sense of anticipation mixed with confidence that my new clothes will fulfill my need not only to be clothed but to be digitally connected as well.

On top, a shirt. Packaged in rustic crinkled paper, like butcher block. Nice. Light green small checked, long-sleeved, cuffs already folded and rolled up two turns telling me it's informal, casual wear. The Google Interactive GooFib fiber feels slightly stiff on the outside but unusually soft and pliant inside. I unbutton it and slip it on.  Perfect fit. I adjust the collar running my finger along the inside of the size label. My phone dings. There's an ad for Shout stain removal and a coupon from my local grocer for smoked turkey necks. This shirt has a pocket. Don't like shirt pockets. I stick my finger in the pocket and my phone dings again... an ad pops up for Wrigley chewing gum, the Montblanc MEISTERSTÜCK RED GOLD CLASSIQUE FOUNTAIN PEN for only $580 and Sir Ahmed's Whole Wheat Pita Pockets. I smooth the front of the shirt along the lines of my pectorals and up pops a WebMD link on my phone to an article about gynecomastia or male breast enlargement caused by too much booze, weed or....crap, the dreaded LOW T.  Yup, that dings another ad for some kind of testosterone replacement gel and an email link to Big Breasted Women Eager to Please.  Even though the shirt sleeves are pre-rolled, I shoot my cuffs like they do in the movies to straighten them....maybe an extra roll-up would be nice...it's summer after all.  I duck to the floor as a loud gunshot noise explodes from my phone. Whew, Just a solicitation to join the National Rifle Association and Fandango and Amazon ads for the movie and books of Fifty Shades of Grey.

GiGi also picked out a new pair of socks. Size 10-12.  I'm sure they fit. Feels like a light cotton- synthetic blend and as I pull one over my bare foot my phone vibrates a text offering 25 cents off a can of Dr. Scholl's Odor-X spray foot powder and a two-for-one deal on toenail fungus paste. [1] 

What else is in my Trunk? GiGi, my real, qualified personalstylist who has learned what I like and knows what looks good on me has selected a light tan pair of chinos. Waist 34, length 30. No cuffs, and please no pleats. No normcore or dad bod here. I drop trou & step into these new pants. Perfect fit! Lookin' good dude, I dude myself. Whoops, the zipper just got stuck. Just zip it down slowly and start over. Wangggg Wangggg Wangggg my phone alarms...who's calling me now...I slide open the phone to see a porn video in full streaming and steaming flagrante delicto.

How do the chinos look in the seat? Not too tight, not baggy.. That's the look I'm looking for and as I smooth out a folded crease along my pants seat my phone rings. Her voice is throaty and craven..."Hello big boy..this is Raven at BootyCall911...I bet you look great in those new chinos...."

www.praajek.com

 [1]

Saturday, June 6, 2015

My Speech to 2015 College Grads

My Speech to 2015 College Grads

Graduation speech time has arrived again on schedule as certain as a Fox News blonde includes Barrack Obama's middle name when listing one of the 6,039 (and counting) ways the President has destroyed America. 

Famous Speechers...POTUS and FLOTUS, writers of prose & poetry and bloggerty and hashtaggerty, corporate makers and shakers of the takers, to the famous, (famous for being famous)...and electronic thespians analog and digital, people elected by people to serve the interests of the people and Teabaggers elected by the corporations to serve the interest of the corporations. The Appointed, the Anointed; the hedge-funded, the digerati disrupters and StartMe-Uppers...all with advice for the ages...18-24...the college grads capped and gowned heads pounding from their last night in academia and beer pongia.  And their advice? Follow your passion. Use your privileged education to better the world. Don't take the easy path. And wear sunscreen of course. Motion picture actor and director Robert DeNiro recently told New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts — graduates “You made it. And, you’re fcuked." Did he mean good luck paying off four years of college debt? Landing a job for those with a degree in history of alternative desert nomad cultures or mystical Renaissance religious cults... Or was he simply paying literal tribute to four years of the best/most sex those students will ever have? What ever he meant, his words barely registered a trickle of giggles and head-nodding wake-ups from the soon to be launched and credentialed graduates. They've heard it all before. Some of them from pre-school, kindergarten, junior high and high school graduation ceremonies. 

Here are excerpts from one they might not have heard:

Good Afternoon Graduates! Wake up goddamit! Here..chew & swallow these..quickly (flinging out over the crowd of listless grads handfuls of vicodins..) gottem swallowed? Ok, listen up. And listen too! "I HAVE ABANDONED MY SON..THERE WILL BE BLOOD.  Sorry..my favo movie..ok, pills working yet? Graduates! Today you stand here...sit here...with great expectations, dreams and stomachs that feel like the Koch brothers are fraking up your ass. Dream on little expectorants...what you have achieved these past four years is highly esteemed by Dalitesh, who shovels out cesspools by hand in a northern India city. Your long hours of cramming for exams, writing Internet derivative essays and learning how to form political & social alliances on campus was highly admired by 18 year old Fatu in Sierra Leone who convulsively bled to death from Ebola last year. Oh, and yes, your management of social networks, your skilled hashtag activism really made a difference to Myung Seok and her family imprisioned in a North Korean labor camp for the past four years. Your struggles to expose the rape culture, (about time!) on this campus and others is especially appreciated by Kanleakhana, a 10 year old sex slave girl in Bangkok. Yes, these past four years have changed you in many ways. You're certifiably educated now. Stop dreaming. Throw your passion in the pits, get a job, thank your parents or someone. Don't be a dick.  Those pills working yet? Feeling better? 

praajek.com

Saturday, April 4, 2015

SelfieValet

SelfieValet

Headed to Coachella or Lollapalooza...? Or maybe a Parisian visit to the Louvre or the great museums of Europe? Well leave Le Selfie Stick at home because more and more institutions and venues have banned the "
mon bâton d'égoportrait" from public appearances. That's why for a limited time only you can subscribe to a unique and personal service that obviates the need for that clumsy unwieldy instrument of vanity enhancement.    
With SelfieValet© you will have at your disposal the ultimate selfie stick: ME. Yes, if you act now, you can have me, SelfieValet, accompany you and your family, loved one or friends on your next vacation or travels. Yes, as SelfieValet I will be responsible for all of your precious selfies, selfieing you and friends or family in crazy-laughing "look-at-me" photos that will be the envy of all your Facebook friends. Leverage that cleavage and don't let that big booty or set of chiseled abs go unnoticed and unshared. Now you can share yourself in all of your glorious vainglory in front of those Wonders of the World...what could be better than a goofy gaping-mouthed eyeball-bulging photo of You with the Taj Mahal or Sistine Chapel in the background. And just think about it... no more sore shoulders or cramped arms from stretching that cell phone-holding arm aloft... No more dragging that clumsy selfie stick -- now so sadly banned in many places.  With SelfieValet every rapturous moment of your self-absorbed vacation life can be captured and shared with all of your boring friends who spend their lives at home in front of screens wishing they were you. Yes, for a limited time only SelfieValet is available for just pennies and dollars a day. Basic SelfieValet services require First Class airfare or Limo transportation for me to your venue or vacation site, accommodations (for me) at hotel or site near you, food and drink expenses and union-mandated rest breaks (for me)  required. SelfieValet Premium Service Plans also available. Don't delay! Your online social cred is on the line...SelfieValet: it's you...by me. Stickit2urself with SelfieValet. 

praajek.com

Friday, February 27, 2015

Apple Solves "battery-life" issue of Apple Watch


Apple solves 
battery life issue for upcoming Apple Watch release!  According to Apple Design Maestro Sir Jony Ive, "...the solution was watching us all along...just waiting for the right moment when the ethereal blankness of imaginative whiteness fell into synchronicity with the mundane yet everyday tasks of human activity. And then it was that we knew what we so truly were looking for...and oh so more importantly the very Thing we were actually looking At. And At that moment we felt totally plugged-in to the Answer. An electric cord.. So elegant yet simple...a design that evolves from our very post-modern DNA. Flexible, ubiquitous, so familiar and, lest I strike a note of the prosaic and the banal, so "handy." No batteries to charge. Just plug-in and feel the empowerment, the classic sense of immediate dignity. The Apple Watch: every one a "limited edition."  
www.praajek.com

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 - Hoarding & Lording and Baring & Sharing

2014 - Hoarding & Lording and Baring & Sharing


Hoarders and Lorders
First Class boarders
Fast-lane one-percenters
Kept passing
And amassing
While the 99
Settled-in Pharelly Happy
And Sappy
By baring and sharing
Selfies and songs
Not about Wall Streeter wrongs
Or big bankers the wankers
Who sank the middle classes
Instead just laid down like lambs
And Instagramed
Our Big Asses.

The Year in Review
More déjà vu
Back to Iraq
The Taliban captures
Our Afghan Army Hound
To the past we’re bound
No Boots on the Ground
Just drone it in
Death from Abuzz
Make ISIS Was Was.

The Foxes roided
Economic good news they voided
Accorded
This the Year of Fear
Sourced our ills
To the reign
Of Barack Hussein
Who can’t-say-nope
To those drug mule kids
We be hatin’
On our border violatin’
With calves the size of cantaloupes.


That’s not all
Sarah Palin saw
Our African Prince
Had just the tonic
He imported the deadly virus
Ebonics.

In the never ending battle 
For Obamafear
That Obamakill would drown us 
In medical bills
Ebola dropped handshakes and fist bumps down to our heels
We right-wringed a dried-out federal budget deal
Cut disease research cause we'd rather be dead
And pour buckets of ice water on our heads instead.

The Foxes saw
With fear
And malice
From afar
Obama disappear
That Malaysian airliner
The Executive Action Immigration signer
Tea baggers soon regretted their
Putin Piner shouts of “real leader”
As his ruble roiled
In a glut of US oil
He’s now boiled borsht with cold chopped liver
While Obama sings “Crimea River.”

Obama’s sins
On him The Foxes pinned
He hacked J-Law’s nudie selfies
Sold ’em to Boku Harem themselfies
Wrote the lyrics to “It’s All About the Bass.”
Uncoupled unconscious Gwyneth and Chris
Encouraged Michael Sam and his boyfriend’s kiss
Caught Michelle at midnight in the fridgerator
Cold cocked Janay and Jay-Z in elevators.
But the smoking gun, folks,
Was tokin’
A Commie Cuban Fat Cigar
In a ‘57 Chevy car.
A bridge way too far.

For some this year served as a lesson
The Pope said dogs might go to Heaven
“Who am I to judge,” he sounded zany
Easier he said, for a dog, than for Dick Cheney
For who’s reserved a special place in Hell
For rectal-de-hydration in an eternal cell.
                                                 
Rick Perry hopes to be less “oops-ier”
In unGoogled horn-rimmed glass
He looks even more the ass
Running again with pants more poopier.

Others took a road less travelled
Bill Cosby came unravelled
Rejected as a driver for Uber
His face not funny smile less goofy
Delivering roofies
For a start-up called Luber.

For 2015 here’s some advice:
If you shot Bin Laden
That he’s dead will suffice.

If your name is Grover last name Norquist
Or even Casper the famous Milquetoast
Please don’t tweet that you drove a Hippie van
To the Black Rock desert and Burning Man.


Don’t get excited by the next Podcast Serial
I’ll give you a glimpse of the new material:
It’s not Adnan,
It’s not Jay,
It’s not Mr. S.,
It’s not boyfriend Dave.
The Serial killer is...you simp...
The Male Chimmmppp!...Chimp?

  (For those who missed
The Serial podcast referenced above...
A verse for you to leave or love.)

The Polar Ice Cap
May be melting
Like a face-lift of Renee Zellweger.
Climate change
If you say, “Hell, go figure!”
Then this year’s Super Bowl half time
You know it
Will feature America’s favorite Poets.

Happy New Year - 2015
Lawrence

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Praajek's Xmas Wish©

Praajek's Xmas Wish©

Take the crist outa christmas
The holi outa day
Ban the wisemen in the courthouse
It's the American way.

Take the ram outa Ramadan
The han outa Hanukkah
The dre outa dreidle
The t outa toy
The o outa oy
The j outa joy   

Take the jeez outa jesus
The bud outa Buddha
The krish outa Krishna
the chris outa Christ
the Yah outa Yahweh
the o outa o-my-gawd.

Take the fest outa festivus
The Kwa outa Kwaanzaa
Then take the sol outa Solstice
Make Santa sans San
Take the u outa Yule
And you'll put the f  back in ool.

Do not ration 
These days of celebration:
string lights, make toasts
drink nog..add rum
take nothing outa nothing
and you'll have a happy new year.

Friday, December 19, 2014

One of my List of 10 for 2014

My list of 10 most overused, phrases, language conventions & locutions of 2014. (English version). Ok, 'tis the season for this kind of thing so here's my list:

#1: Worst. Conventions. Of. 2014. This. Convention. Intended. To. Impart. Serious. Emphasis. Must. Stop. Now

#2: Disruption. We don't invent anymore. We disrupt. As in a  "startup" such as Uber disrupts the old taxi service business model; or Airbnb disrupting the hotel business. Ok, we get it. Now everything and everyone is "disrupting." Whatever happened to "New and Improved?" Let's disrupt disrupting. Or maybe just start inventing and re-inventing again. Please. 

#3: Adorable Especially when attributed to puppy and kitten videos. Along with variants such as "adorkable" when describing Zoey Deschanel and Aubrey Plaza. 

#4: Jaw dropping. Extremely surprised? Must everything that barely exceeds mediocre be announced with Taylor Swiftian open-mouthed astonishment. Let's hit the pause on jaws. 

#5: How's that working out for you? This one's been hanging around for years now and shows no sign of weariness. Answer: It's not working out for me. 

#6: Let's do this thing. Why are we still hearing this decades-old locution? Leftovers from old Die Hard movies are still being served up in today's violent video games of auto theft and warcraft. Let's don't do this thing anymore. 

#7: BenedictCumberbatch. Apparently some kind of famous something with weirdly beautiful eyes women want to blow. Anyway, let's stop this Cumberbatching and start Cumberbitching. 

#8: She "rocks" a bikini; he "rocks" a tuxedo. Or, I would totally "rock" that jacket. Ok, to wear something and look totally cool in it, or make a major attitude statement by wearing it.. We get it. You would look pretty good in that car, coat, shoe etc. but I'm tired of rocking. Just wear the damn thing...or not. 

#9: Behead. Beheaded. Beheading.. Fortunately, this word did not become meme-y this year (maybe "meme" should be in this list.) But do media outlets have to blare the word "beheaded" whenever ISIS or whatever terror group kills a hostage? Isn't it enough to just report that the victim was murdered? Why satisfy and reward these psychopaths by describing how they actually killed someone. Are we titillated by the concept of a human head being severed from its torso? Let's kill this death description not only for its goryness but to deny terrorists their media glory. I'm relieved ISIS doesn't have a wood chipper. 
 
#10: Lists. The top ten reasons people used to smoke in the bathroom in 1946. Five most wildly popular sex positions when Jesus walked the streets of Nazareth.  Fifteen reasons why the uncle is always described as drunk at Thanksgiving dinner. Top ten list of worst and overused words and phrases. Hmmmm. 

www.praajek.com

Monday, December 15, 2014

That Perfect Gift.

'Tis the season to give and get and get and give-give-give get-get-get. (I especially like the get.) And what's on my wish-to-get list this year? And what's on my might-just-give list? Here are some suggestions for you Xmas givers and getters.

My favo this season is "Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers."
These handy pocket pads full of activated charcoal stick strategically inside your underwear to absorb accidental methane expulsions. Doesn't block noise but rumors abound that a software upgrade is in the works for downloading that includes a wind motion detector that activates an automatic white noise function. 

For that favorite teen on your list how about an exciting pack of Justin Bieber Mint Floss.
Low cost yet it shows you really care about dental hygiene with the added benefit of demonstrating your cool creds. "Gee Dad, I didn't know you even knew about The Bieber...u so cool! " 

A sure-fire gift that's certain to win the heart of a close loved one is the 2015 Monthly Doos Dog Poop Calendar. Lovely scenes of American landscapes and national parks are festooned with subtle piles of uncollected doggy deposits. You actually have to look carefully at each scene to discover a "Where's Waldo" not-so-hidden canine gift in each photo. Fun for the whole family.

In this new world of Faatha Land Security we are naturally attuned to and attracted to gifts that can be used in an emergency or terrorist attack. Go Paks, Shelter-in-Place survival items are always foremost in mind when channeling our inner-prepper. So this is why the Emergency Clown Nose in a prescription bottle is a welcome addition to any survivalist or prepper's doomsday kit. The appearance of a bit of levity Is always welcomed for Armageddon. 

And who can forget a gift for that sports fan on your list?   (Well, me for one.) But for others I give you the Pot & Putt bathroom golf set. This unique putting green wraps around the floor of your porcelain vessel allowing you while athrone to practice sinking putts while you sink that big one. Although hardly an athletic endeavor, striking golf balls is certainly a purposeful (yet unnecessary) activity not unlike the very necessary function of intestinal vacation.


A few other gifts deserve mention as well: the Robotic Grill Cleaner, sort of a Roomba for that greasy BBQ grill works its way back and forth across that blackened burnt fat encrusted cooking surface. Especially handy if you are unfortunate enough to have no hands. If you have a hand or two then just sit back while robo cleaner saves you from having to use them in service to such drudgery. (Damn Butler's Union won't allow grill scraping.)



On the subject of grilling, my final gift suggestion is the singular Hamdogger. This nifty tubular device begs to be stuffed with ground beef and extruded onto the grill and readied for hotdog
bun insertion. No respectable paleo-gastronominist would be caught hungry without this.


Givegivegive…getgetget. The Spirit of Xmas lives in you. And your desires. To givegivegive and getgetget. 

Saturday, November 8, 2014

I Shot Bin Laden, Damn't

I Shot Bin Laden, Damn't

I don't want to do this but I finally must confess: I shot Bin Laden. Yup, it was lil' ol'me who put two bullets right smack between his beady bearded eyes. I'm not supposed to tell anyone about this.. code of honor and all that. Hell, most folks, the ones I know like friends, relatives, kids, wife, dentist, doorman, personal shopper, hair stylist etc. thought I was too old to be a Navy SEAL, let alone a member of SEAL Team 6. But there I was on the night of May 2, 2011 landing inside Bin Laden's compound, or what we hoped was his compound, and which turned out to actually be his compound. Our first chopper crashed but luckily I was on the second. Without giving away too many details I'll just say that the climb up those back stairs in the dark seemed like the longest climb in my brief SEAL career. Up until now my lips have been SEALED..but it's time for the truth to emerge before it is disclosed by other sources. And as others are already lining up to take credit for my heroic deed... one alleged SEAL has already written a book claiming he took the fatal shot while another poser came forth recently claiming he hit the bullseye. Well, you can soon read the unfiltered unvarnished, unpainted, bare neck'ed story from a first-person-shooter perspective in my soon-to-be-released book titled "I Shot The Terrorist But I Did Not Shoot His Deputy," published by Hachette and available on Amazon. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Gunshotbola Epidemic Spreads Across US


The first symptom is a sudden hot fever of impact accompanied by the sense of a loud sound or explosion.

Then comes the bleeding…sometimes from the eyes, ears, mouth and a sudden gaping hole in the head, torso, or limbs.

Vomiting may ensue….along with uncontrolled expelling of urine and feces with possibly horrible external and internal spilling of intestines and or other organs. 

Spasms followed by coughing of blood. And then death.

Or with luck and quick treatment in an emergency room only injury and temporary or permanent  disability will result.

Extremely contagious. Each year over 30,000 Americans die from it. The disease? Gunshotbola. 

Causes: widespread misinterpretation of the 2nd Amendment; human consumption of fruit bat NRA lobbyist meat and cross-species breeding of humans with simian non-human primate NRA  National Rifle Association leaders.

Gunshotbola is a member of the Gununntae virus, which is Latin for gun nut, a deadly pathogen reportedly carried by NRA members suspected of having eated fruit bat guano. 

For years, this deadly contagion has been confined to the United States. No other modern nation has experienced and tolerated outbreaks of Gunshotbola as this country does. How to protect yourself? Keep ducking. And support handgun control legislation in your state and community; and support organizations such as the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. www.csgv.org


www.praajek.com

Monday, October 13, 2014

At Least The Ebola Dog Is Safe

Thank gods the Texas dog of the young nurse Ebola victim who contracted the disease from the now-deceased Liberian Ebola patient will not be euthanized. Unlike the poor mutt in Spain, (the Canine in Spainine), who to the horror of humanity was dispatched to doggy heaven after it's owner contracted Ebola, the nurse's dog is being cared for in a private isolation hound pound. According to a Reuters news report, "The dog was given food and water on Sunday by a specialized hazardous materials team that decontaminated the Dallas apartment of the worker, reported by local media to be a nurse in her mid-20s. The team also left a light on in the apartment for the dog."
Awwww... Is that not just an adorable gesture? Don't leave poor old possibly Ebola-infected Poochy alone AND in the dark. Leave a light on! And after health workers in hazmat suits spend valuable time monitoring dogs and pets when human and health resources are scarce, they will focus on attending to the ever-increasing swath of possibly infectious humans. In this dog (pet)-obsessed nation at least we can take heart that even if Ebola wipes out a good chunk of humanity, we'll sleep deeply in our bloody graves knowing our precious pets weren't in the dark.

www.praajek.com

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

NFL Cheerleaders Give NFL More Black Eyes

Did NFL Cheerleaders Really Protest this Way? NFL Cheerleaders - Minimum Wagers in $9.5 Billion Industry...As NFL cheerleaders file fair wage lawsuits against their teams maybe they could add a little visual protest to Football in America over their $5 per hour wages while also protesting domestic violence. Something like this?
www.praajek.com

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The Bloody Wet Dreams of Dick Cheney


video
Someone tore the bumper sticker off my car that read: "I'm Already Against the Next War." So here we go again. 

Dick Cheney, Rummy Rumsfeld and assorted NeoCon conspirators woke up recently refreshed, revitalized and rearing to have others go to war again. 

Ahhhh...feeling good, growls Cheney, the words dribbling from the edge of his crooked mouth, stretching his withered limbs and rubbing the sleepy fairy dirt from his rheumy eyes. His taxpayer funded transplanted heart, a secret gift from an anonymous donor who Cheney expresses no interest in knowing..."it hadn’t been a priority for me..." is now “my new heart, not someone else’s old heart.”  

Finally goaded by Cheney and The War Generals into new tough talk, NodramaObama lullabies Cheney to sweet dreams with his national TV address announcing his overdue "strateregy" (Bushism) of a New Belligerency. Although not as much fun without Boots-on-the-Ground, Rōnin Cheney deep sleeps REM dreams of salivating military contractors, greedy hyenas encircling wounded prey.

 Oh, the Humanity, the FoxHannity, the Insanity! Our heartless warrior mumbles in his sleep...my contractors, my contractors...let them feast first and leave the spoils for the Boots to shed blood and wipe up.  

His stolen heart beats faster now, exciting his feverish fear mongering brain into dream twitches of riches to be reaped, a legacy to be legitimized and gastric gushes of plain old evil to belch and enjoy. 

www.praajek.com


Monday, September 15, 2014

How to Make ISIS WASWAS


Republicans, neocons and Grumpy Grandpa (Git Off My Lawn) McCain are shouting for war against the invasion of America by knife-wielding ISIS Islamic warriors in jalabiya robes and turbans. By land, by sea, by air. (mmmm .. getting hungry for a Land Sea Air McDonald's burger..Big Mac inserted with a filet 'o fish and a chicken patty). This ISIS invasion is imminent and already underway with enemies hitting us at our most vulnerable and weakest joints: Facebook and YouTube. How do we repel this invasion of alien creatures bent on making us wear orange onesies while kneeling to them on prayer rugs eating falafel instead of Land Sea Air burgers? They're coming for us so how do we stop them? 

The Nookular Option? No, too dangerous.. Might wipe out the world which is exactly what these ISIS guys want.

BOTG (boots in the ground)? Hmmm, sounds inviting. McCain's already put his boots on ground in Vietnam and continues to want to give every American youth a similar life-affirming/depriving opportunity. Could be too expensive and might require a draft to fill this once/twice/thrice in a lifetime Boots opportunity. 

Airstrikes & Drones: ah, yes..."bomb bomb bomb, bomb-bomb Iran" McCain gleefully once sang in a cover of Beach Boys' Barbara Ann. Easy death from above. Bombs in the Skies keep boots off the ground. Or blow off the boots and shoes of bad guys and innocent women and children. 

Coalition of the Willing...Remember that from the Bush Iraq clusterfcuk?  It soon was exposed as the Coalition of the Billing when it became you pay then we'll play. This time NATO will coalesce to conquer. Better than us going it alone. 

Boots by Proxy: Now here's an idea! As our largest recipient of military aid, over $100 billion since the 1960s and currently $3 billion annually, doesn't our client Israel owe us something? Where's the exalted Israeli Special Forces? Let them plan an attack to "degrade and destroy" ISIS making them WASWAS. 

Or better yet...quit letting fanatical terrorist groups goad us into war. It's what they want... And unfortunately it's what some here in the US want. Why does America always need an enemy to fight? More war, anyone?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

My Nude Photos Hacked, Sacked, Jacked, Whacked and unpacked for the world to...

Don't look now (seriously) but the biggest news story of the summer has just gotten bigger (worse). Not only have nudie pics of lady actors, tall thin ladies who model clothes, attractive celebrated females (femlebrities) such as Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence and a bunch of other cutie-nudie posers been hacked by a cloud hacker, now I discover that my own extensive and HUGE nudie selfie-portfolio has been violated by an unknown shoebox hacker. 

In a breach of privacy unknown in the Western and Eastern worlds and throughout my neighborhood, I discovered recently that my secret stash of nude selfies which I had cleverly stashed in the bottom of a gym bag under a pile of sweaty smelly socks and underwear, was scattered all over my smelly sweaty closet floor. Someone had been rummaging through my secret gym bag and unearthed my precious nudie selfies. Tossed hither and thither were 3x5" Polaroids of me in various degrees of nudity: freezing my naked butt off building a snowman; running naked in a Naked Iron Man Triathlon thru the Mojave Desert; body-painted and birthday-suited in the Black Rock Nevada desert at Burning Man doing flaming cartwheels with fellow "Burner" Grover Norquist; romping full-frontal, fearless and feckless, at a Ruby-on-Rails after-seminar coding rave; swimming and diving bare-skinned and buck-nekked at an all nudie Mitch McConnell Blob Fish look-alike festival in Honey Dip Kentucky... All these and more...oh the privacy! 

Are some of them missing? Did the hackysacker photo them with his iPhone and now prepares to seed the clouds with them letting loose upon the land a global swarming of my hunkyjunk?  

Who pirated my privacy? I want to know! Was it you Apple? Or "Don't Be Evil" Google? NSA or Edwin Snowden? Surely my humble closet and gym bag would present no challenge for the considerable hacking skills of this cowardly, traitorous, unAmerican Putin-boot-lickin'whistle-blower-with-no-country Rooskie-lovin' former CIA-NSA employee. In a world where a guy has to live in fear that his nude selfies might be exposed to that world...in a world where one's sacred gym bag is pried open letting loosed upon the world foul dirty sock emanations and nude selfies...is a world where the only thing left to do is....stop taking nudie selfies? Damn you cleaning lady, I know you did it !
www.praajek.com





Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Throwing Cold Water, Or Iced Is Even Better Than Cool

The ice bucket challenge has poured itself all over the internet as people and celebrities rush to dump a bucket of ice over their heads to increase awareness of ALS disease. This cold water treatment apparently causes one to suddenly google ALS and learn more about this dreaded disease and in more extreme cases results in a hand thrusting itself into a purse or wallet for a credit card to make a donation. But it only works if someone videos the act and posts it on a social media site. Don't waste your time just dumping ice water on your head alone. This doesn't work. You'll just be cold and wet.

Here are some other challenges that people and celebrities can do to support research in lesser-known syndromes, afflictions, complaints, ailments or indispositions.  

  • Pour a bag of unbleached white flour over your head challenge... for gluten diet research.  
  • Drop your smart phone in the toilet challenge ...for Selfieitis Research. 
  • Pee Your Pants Challenge for "That-Was-So-Funny I Nearly Peed-My-Pants" cliche malady.
  • Shave your head challenge for baldness research.
  • Drop Your Pants in Public Challenge for Perv Amelioration Research.
  • Stick your head in the gas oven challenge... for Facebook Envy Depression research.
  • Play Russian Roulette with a loaded hand gun challenge... for 2nd Amendment GunNut Syndrome research.
  • Finger in a Flame Challenge .. for  insensitivity/apathy research.
  • Twist two nipples counter-clockwise challenge .. for... aw hell..... just for research in general.
  • Teabag yourself ... For Tea Party Affiliation Disease.
  • Take your mom's car to jiffy lube ...for Porno addiction research.
  • Vomit in a bucket & pour it over your head challenge... for binge drinking research.
  • Smash your face into a mirror challenge ... for Narcissism research.
  • Poke yourself in the eye challenge ...just because.

And don't forget to video it and post it on You Tube or Facebook.  Oh, and send money.


www.praajek.com

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Weapon of Cash Infusion



Looks like our puppet thug in Iraq, Nuri al-Maliki is backing off his threat to keep his job by military force after being replaced by a newly-appointed and US-blessed thug. Of course all it took was a little persuasion in the form of our strongest and most reliable tool and weapon of international diplomacy and nation building: Bags O'Cash.
This is just a wild guess at this point but we can assuredly look forward to reports similar to the ones last year that exposed the CIA's bribes to our puppet thug Afghan President Hamid Karzai who eagerly awaited each month for his bags, suitcases and backpacks of US cash totaling by some estimates tens of millions of dollars. Perhaps this is the most cost-effective method of getting countries to do what we want. Considering that the Afghanistan and Iraqi wars have cost the US taxpayers between 4-6 trillion dollars, bribing despots, thugs and dictators to behave as we wish costs less than the money, blood and havoc we wreak upon our nation and the victim nations we choose to invade. Let's take a nice chunk of that $640 billion we now spend on our military and create a truely cost-effective weapon that needs no testing, no competing for major manufacturing contracts, a stealthy weapon that flies under the radar, penetrates bunkers like a farm boy in a field of ripe melons, an infrared guided surface-to-wallet missile that strikes and satisfies the most despotic heart of greed: The Pentagon's Bag O' Cash. Oh, and delivered by drones.


www.praajek.com